Trainblogging

Driving down to New Jersey and back is a pain compared to riding Amtrak's Northeast Regional line. Driving a car may be cheaper when you are traveling with companions, and flying might be faster, but train travel can be a pleasure compared to the highway and friendless skies. Here's why:


     *     You don't have to pay tolls or attention 

     *     Restrooms are only a few steps away and there's no one loitering at some remote Rest Area Men's Room entrance who creeps you out

     *     You arrive at your destination without getting lost

     *     You get to enjoy the self-righteous feeling of using mass transportation thereby reducing your carbon footprint blah blah blah

     *     Your underarm flab never sets off any sirens or alarms
         
     *     The conductors are friendly, helpful, and won't try to confiscate your smoked ribs like the flight attendants just because they skipped lunch and the ribs smell heavenly
    
     *     You don't have to cough up extra dough for an Exit row seat, meaning in the event of an emergency you haven't paid a premium to perform a job and assume responsibility for strangers while presumably being one of the last people off the plane.



I believe everyone should consider riding the rails when making their next travel plans. If it's been a while since your last train trip, here are some tips to make the experience even better:

     *     Don't touch anything at Penn Station!  If you do, have some hand sanitizer. If you buy hand sanitizer at Penn Station, disinfect it.

     *     If you have packed a snack of some old raisins you found in the back of your pantry, make sure you look in the box before popping a handful in your mouth and then noticing there is something squiggling inside it as you grab a second helping.

      *    It's also a good idea to clean out your pantry every once in a while.

     *     Not having a seatmate allows you to spread out more and enjoy a window seat view without having to say 'Excuse me' every time you think about those raisins and feel like you need to visit the bathroom to throw up. Here are tips to maximize your chances of snagging and retaining a row to yourself:

           *     Arrive on the platform before the train arrives, then try to telepathically signal the engineer to align a train door with where you are standing

           *     Refrain from bathing for two weeks previous to departure

           *     Eat something garlicky before boarding

            *     Head for the middle of the car, grab a vacant row seat, then start coughing, sneezing, and blowing your nose

            *    Nod your head a lot while muttering

            *    Have a melodramatic phone conversation in a loud, abrasive voice using words like 'Beeeeitch' a lot

            * Put a half-eaten box of old raisins from the back of your pantry on the aisle tray table.





A final message to the graffiti artists whose canvas is the concrete walls and supports frequently lining the tracks:  Make your letters really big, wide, and really far apart. Or else create a big 'flip book' effect so the thousands of people whizzing by at 50 miles per hour each day would see a movie.

That's all I can think of for now, except for some quick editorializing. Our public transportation system is pretty amazing. It's a valuable service that works. Evidently we like it, we use it, we underwrite it. I'm proud to be a supporter of this basic choice.


All Aboard!?!






Gotta go throw up ....








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