Halloween Anxiety

Another confession: I dread Halloween.

Nah, I'm not spooked by ghouls or anything. I'm haunted by all the nighmare-inducing decision-making regarding The Three C's: Costumes, Candy and Carving. Look, I have a lot to live up to:

The Costumes: My mother, who must be a descendent of Betsy Ross, used to make our costumes when we were kids. I went to our kindergarten Halloween party as Martha Washington in a blue satin ensemble Mom whipped up complete with gathered white cap, apron, and shawl. This may explain why I subsequently got the female lead in the kindergarten play, which I recall was about a princess who dressed a lot like Martha Washington.

In fourth grade Sister No. 2 and I dressed up as an Amish girl and boy. Guess who was the boy. It was the first time I ever wore pants to school and it felt great. This may explain why during high school when they finally legalized girls in pants I never looked back.

Lately, however, I have had to rely on my own imagination and skills for costumes. Fortunately the days are over when I had to assemble outfits for my kids, because I didn't inherit Mom's talent with thread even though they say I'm pretty good at needling.

So today I need to come up with a costume using stuff hanging around the house. I'm thinking of  borrowing a long dress and No. 1 Son's Jay From Silent Bob wig from last year (which is currently being used as a burglar alarm on our sofa along with strategically placed pillows, blankets, and realistic looking BB gun).  If I put the wig in a bun and add a shawl, maybe I can recycle this Martha Washington thing for tonight's party. Packing the BB gun would give the costume some added flair, right?

The Candy for Trick-or-Treaters: It just occurred to me we should buy one of those clicker-counter thingies so on Halloween night the Rocket Scientist could occupy himself collecting data on the number of trick-or-treaters. That would come in handy for next year since I never know how much candy to buy, meaning we either run out or have an extra five pounds. I also agonize about offering at least one thing that tots might enjoy eating instead of choking on. In an effort to pre-empt lawsuits, I finally settled on some Annie's organic bunny crackers in Halloween wrappers.

The Carving of Jack-O-Lanterns: It has been a tradition to carve some intricate skull or complicated, labor-intensive design on at least two pumpkins each Halloween. This year I found a small mutant-shaped pumpkin that's ideal for a skull at the farm stand up the road. I also bought a large round 18-pounder, which unfortunately rolled around in the back of the car and pulverized the packets of Annie's bunnies on the drive home.

As far as the carving goes let's just say I've set the bar impossibly high in past years with carvings of bats, witches, Frankenstein, headless horseman, etc. One year I carved a raccoon holding a jack-o-lantern. Jeez, what was I thinking? So this year Ima start with a small, simple skull the day before, and then see how I feel before committing to a satellite image of Hurricane Sandy superimposed over a geopolitical map of the East Coast on the 18-pounder.

Scary, right?



Fortunately the Rocket Scientist will be home to help distribute the candy, assuming Hurricane Sandy hasn't already done the job. He already has come up with his costume: Dressed in a white robe, a halo made out of a coat hanger, and pair of wings he found in the closet while looking for the coat hanger, he will be channeling Saint Gobain (http://www.saint-gobain.com). I plan to be at his side rockin' a long black dress, frizzed-out Jay From Silent Bob wig, black make-up, and the wizard's hat that I just tripped over in the hallway. A heaven-and-hell kind of vibe, right? Maybe these get-ups will scare the shit out of all the little trick-o-treaters thus precipitating a hasty retreat and rendering the pulverized crackers issue moot.


Now that I've worked out most of this year's holiday problems, I'm feeling much less anxious. I will wrap this up by wishing everyone a Wicked Happy Halloween. Be safe! For you parents who will be bringing baby trick-o-treaters to our doorstep, that means pack some extra baby wipes.













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