Survival Mode

Now that I am a proud new member of the Parents Of College Graduates Club, I've been pestering other members about the secret handshake.

So imagine my excitement today when an unexpected package arrived in the mail from another  recent new member of The Club: my wise and fun-loving Sister No. 3.

Look, I didn't really expect the secret handshake to be in the box, which was too big for mere instructions. But I do love surprise packages that don't tick or involve a trip to the post office, so I opened it with mounting curiosity.

Inside, in lieu of the secret handshake: A Survival Kit For Parents Of College Graduates Who Have Moved Back Home:

     *   1 length of beef jerky -- I guess to remind me not to be a jerk about the state of things.

     *   1 package of CrackerJacks --  Don't crack under the pressure.

     *   1 packet of cashews -- Don't go nuts.

     *   1 pair of ear plugs -- Noise barrier in stylish day-glow orange.

     *   1 blue plastic megaphone -- In case I haven't made myself clear.

     *   1 lavender sachet, 1 jar of aromatherapy cream, and 6 oz. of Lindt chocolate-- all for de-stressing.

     *   1 clear plastic mouth guard -- Takes the bite out of teeth gnashing.

     *   1 magazine, 'Get Rich While Working At Home' -- Can't decide whether to give this to the Graduate or keep it myself.

     *   1 gas gift card, 1 food gift card, 1 Visa gift card, and 1 iTunes gift card -- Presumably to pay for gas, food, lodging, and music for an Emergency Getaway in case the beef jerky, CrackerJacks, cashews, megaphone, aromatherapy, chocolate, mouth guard, and Get Rich schemes don't work.

     *   1 box of Pepperidge Farm goldfish crackers -- Trip snack.

     *   1 set of instructions on how to convert a graduation gown and mortarboard into a tent -- presumably in case the Emergency Getaway doesn't work.


Pretty cool, right?

Personally I have never heard of the Survival Kit, but it beats a secret handshake hands down. I am wondering if by tradition I should now prepare one of these terrific Survival Kits to pass along to the next New Club Member I know whose kid moves back home.

If so, I'm adding a few items:

     *   1 plastic spatula for chasing any graduates out of the house for whatever reason. Also to throw after them so they can flip their own burgers once they've left.

     *   1 box of tissues.

     *   1 nip of 190-proof vodka.

     *   1 2013 calendar with the One-Year Commencement Anniversary deadline circled in red.
   
     *   1 more nip of 190-proof vodka.


Ok, I'm not aware of anyone else graduating for another year, so there's time to add or subtract items as experience dictates.


So to my sister and BIL, a huge hug and enthusiastic thanks for your generosity, thoughtfulness, and for starting or continuing this worthy, sanity-saving tradition.



 Meanwhile, if anyone out there knows the secret handshake, please send instructions.











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