Musical Cars

Here's a quiz:

1. Four cars divided by five drivers equals how many cars per driver?

    a) 0.8 cars

    b) 1.25 cars

    c) 1 car -- because first you subtract one driver.

The answer in our household, of course, is c).

 2. Q. How do you subtract one driver?

     A.  Play Musical Cars.

Next time you stop by here you may want to join us in this game. In fact, I insist -- especially if you own your own vehicle and carry comprehensive insurance.


Here are the Official Rules to Musical Cars:

1. You must be a licensed driver with a car.

2.  Signing our waiver form is mandatory.

3. Everyone assembles when the music (http://youtu.be/nknVuEvsg0I) starts.

4. When the music stops, everyone dashes to a car.

5. No pushing.

6. Whoever is left without a vehicle is left without a vehicle.

Sounds exciting, right?

I am especially interested in you joining our game if you have an 'L' tattooed on your forehead. Also, if you have been hospitalized recently and can't move very fast.

Look, I know the only reason I am asked to join this game every day is so I can fill the role of designated loser. After months of training, my personal best in the daily dash still isn't competitive with a bunch of 20-somethings with fresh legs and sharp elbows.

Look, I have a day planned that doesn't include watching winners wave good-by to me in their rear-view mirror. In my opinion this game needs new blood, especially from people who drive a cool set of wheels and are on crutches.

Look, we will try not to actually spill your new blood, but accidents can happen. Anyway, if you signed the waiver ....

Personally, I think everyone should add Playing Musical Cars At Our House to their Bucket Lists. It's new! It's fun! I could make up a schedule for when you could stop by for a round. Wednesdays work well for me; right after your surgery is even better.

I'll even validate it on your Bucket List in fancy calligraphy letters ......


... So now I'm off to start my pre-game warm-ups; hope to see you soon ......

Oh, and good luck with that surgery ......














Musical Cars clip song 'No News' by 6 Dead Squirrels used with permission. I believe I am only one handle of vodka away from securing the copyright .....



Pass it along and remember, It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2012(c)(c)

Potty Mouthpiece

Yesterday I asked the Rocket Scientist what he was doing on the computer and he replied, 'You won't believe it, but I'm writing a toilet review.'

I wonder why he didn't think I'd believe him .....

See, we've always had a problem with the toilets in this house. The handles break, the flapper valves break, the connecting arms break, and that blue plastic thingie in between breaks too. Basically, everything connected to the units has broken and been replaced multiple times.

But worst of all is that they Always Clog Up. You could always count on one of our commodes being out of commission when we have guests or acute attacks of diarrhea not to mention guests who have acute attacks of diarrhea ....

Clearly, our low-flow, builder's-grade toilets are woefully inadequate for a family that evidently is so full of shit.

So we finally decided that life would be a whole lot better if we replaced the worst offender: the crapper in the family bathroom (the toilet, not the person).

You can get a new flusher at the Home Depot for less than $200. We liked a unit called The Cadet for $198. However after discussion, we bought the upgrade, The Champion, for 40 bucks more. It features a mighty 1.6 gal./flush rate,  a powerful 4-in. piston action Accelerator flush valve, an oversize 2-3/8 in. trapway, and a self-lowering seat. We were afraid The Cadet might not have the strength, endurance, and experience to deal with a daily six-pack of TP and several pounds of brown downloads. Go with the Champion, right?

One trip to the ER later, our Champion was fully installed and functioning beautifully. In fact, all clogs have ceased in the Champion.

It really does make life much better. Now instead of fixing the toilet, Rocket Scientist has the leisure time to write a review praising its performance.

Also, I have the leisure time to blog about it.

I wonder if the toilet company would be interested in compensating the Rocket Scientist for his endorsement. Who wouldn't want a toilet endorsed by a rocket scientist?

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know the answer to that.

Ok, I first have to get RS's assent, but I see a future in this mouthpiece angle. Look, I'm sure there are plenty of other products he likes out there which would benefit from a rocket scientist's plug too. Maybe we could even get some free product, like a couple more Champions or a lower deductible for ER visits.

However, we may need to move fast to beat the competition. There's a Nobel Prize winner who lives a few blocks away .....















Pass it along and remember, It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2012(c)(c)

Coupon Screwpon

I hate coupons.

According to Wikipedia, coupons were invented in the late 19th century by a partner of the Coca-Cola Company, Asa Candler, who deserves a special niche in Purgatory next to the inventor of the game Marco Polo. These two saboteurs of civilization deserve to listen to each other throughout eternity: Marco! BOGO! Markdown! POLO! Coca! COLA!

Thanks to Candler, the potential of coupon clipping makes life a whole lot more demoralizing, since there are so many ways you can screw up a process that's supposed to save you money.

First, you have to clip them, which involves ransacking the house for a pair of scissors. Then they have to make it into your purse, which means you have to take something out, like 2,000 coupons that expired last century.

Look, I already have several coupon organizers stocked with coupons I never redeem but always carry around anyway unless I need to use them in which case I've left them at home .....

... So if I actually successfully enter the store with coupons, there's still a 50-50 chance I will either lose them or forget to give them to the cashier. Then, rather than schlepping back to the customer service counter at the store, I stew all week about the time and money I COULD have saved.

It's dispiriting. It's maddening!


It seems to me couponing discriminates against the disorganized and distracted. Why should the world of discounts be closed to the Mrs. Jellybys of the planet? I must write a letter .....

Another thing: Why do they give out coupons when you Leave The Store? Who wants to carry around tapeworms of coupons with their ticking expiration dates which you won't need for at least another week (or the day after they expire) -- because you have Just Finished Shopping? It seems to me that manufacturers and stores should make coupons available when you Arrive At The Store, right?

Upon reflection, Ima pre-emptively condemn the inventor of that little coupon-spitting machine at the check-out to join Candler and the Marco Polo inventor in the deep end of Purgatory Pool.

 

Extreme Couponers? Fuggedabodit! Their only reason for existence is to make me feel inferior. Sure, I don't begrudge them the hours spent searching for scissors or the days roaming the grocery aisles for deals. They are welcome to that.

What I do begrudge is when the shelves are empty of the only item I have a coupon for. Also, standing in line for 20 minutes behind the person who cleared the shelves of the only item I have a coupon for. Honestly, extreme couponers should have a dedicated check-out line so they can all experience the, er, experience of waiting for 100 cans of cat food to be scanned and discounted.

Meow!


Ok, if the only way you can make ends meet is by extreme couponing, then you gotta do whatcha gotta do regardless of how annoying it is to me.

Just try not to wear that smirk of self-righteousness. It crowds my sneer of entitlement which is actually masking my feelings of failure.

That could be dangerous ......














Pass it along and remember, It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2012(c)(c)

Survival Mode

Now that I am a proud new member of the Parents Of College Graduates Club, I've been pestering other members about the secret handshake.

So imagine my excitement today when an unexpected package arrived in the mail from another  recent new member of The Club: my wise and fun-loving Sister No. 3.

Look, I didn't really expect the secret handshake to be in the box, which was too big for mere instructions. But I do love surprise packages that don't tick or involve a trip to the post office, so I opened it with mounting curiosity.

Inside, in lieu of the secret handshake: A Survival Kit For Parents Of College Graduates Who Have Moved Back Home:

     *   1 length of beef jerky -- I guess to remind me not to be a jerk about the state of things.

     *   1 package of CrackerJacks --  Don't crack under the pressure.

     *   1 packet of cashews -- Don't go nuts.

     *   1 pair of ear plugs -- Noise barrier in stylish day-glow orange.

     *   1 blue plastic megaphone -- In case I haven't made myself clear.

     *   1 lavender sachet, 1 jar of aromatherapy cream, and 6 oz. of Lindt chocolate-- all for de-stressing.

     *   1 clear plastic mouth guard -- Takes the bite out of teeth gnashing.

     *   1 magazine, 'Get Rich While Working At Home' -- Can't decide whether to give this to the Graduate or keep it myself.

     *   1 gas gift card, 1 food gift card, 1 Visa gift card, and 1 iTunes gift card -- Presumably to pay for gas, food, lodging, and music for an Emergency Getaway in case the beef jerky, CrackerJacks, cashews, megaphone, aromatherapy, chocolate, mouth guard, and Get Rich schemes don't work.

     *   1 box of Pepperidge Farm goldfish crackers -- Trip snack.

     *   1 set of instructions on how to convert a graduation gown and mortarboard into a tent -- presumably in case the Emergency Getaway doesn't work.


Pretty cool, right?

Personally I have never heard of the Survival Kit, but it beats a secret handshake hands down. I am wondering if by tradition I should now prepare one of these terrific Survival Kits to pass along to the next New Club Member I know whose kid moves back home.

If so, I'm adding a few items:

     *   1 plastic spatula for chasing any graduates out of the house for whatever reason. Also to throw after them so they can flip their own burgers once they've left.

     *   1 box of tissues.

     *   1 nip of 190-proof vodka.

     *   1 2013 calendar with the One-Year Commencement Anniversary deadline circled in red.
   
     *   1 more nip of 190-proof vodka.


Ok, I'm not aware of anyone else graduating for another year, so there's time to add or subtract items as experience dictates.


So to my sister and BIL, a huge hug and enthusiastic thanks for your generosity, thoughtfulness, and for starting or continuing this worthy, sanity-saving tradition.



 Meanwhile, if anyone out there knows the secret handshake, please send instructions.











Pass it along and remember, It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2012(c)(c)