Payback Mom

Look, I would never win any Mom of the Year awards. I'm not a Tiger Mom or a helicopter parent. In our household, the Law Of Natural Consequences rules. If you don't listen, naturally there's a consequence ....

I love my kids, see, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not looking forward to the day when they move out. I look at this college-age time we have together and repeat, 'It's a gift. It's a gift. It's a gift ....'

That's not to say I don't have my very first visit to their very own digs planned out. Gonna exact some revenge that has been stewing for years ....

First, I will have my son fetch me in his car, in which Ima spill a 24-oz. cup of Orange Crush. Hoping the upholstery and carpeting are white or tan for maximum impact ....

When I enter his new place, Ima slam the door several times for emphasis, then kick it shut for good measure wearing my blackest, most rubbery soles so they will leave at least one dark mark, or if I'm lucky, some dent or hole.

Next, Ima take off my jacket and hat and just fling them. Ok, I will aim for the bannister, newel post, or even kitchen faucet -- anywhere but the closet.

I will be packing his old plastic BB gun so I can shoot those suckers all over his house during my visit. 'Oh, did I break that? SOR-RY!'

Before I strip the refrigerator of all edible food (leaving the door ajar when I'm finished), gonna have a large goblet of red wine to spill on his carpet. 'SOR-RY!'

This signals Furniture Rearranging Time, when I move the living room furniture around to suit my fancy (ostensibly to cover up the wine stain). Maybe I will bring a house-warming plant which I can accidentally drop, leaving shards of pottery, plant and mud to be cleaned up by someone other than me. 'SOR-RY!'

In the bathroom, I will make sure to clog up the toilet and leave the next person without any paper. Then, using the collection of his old name tags from work that I have brought with me, I will pin each hand towel together, rendering them unusable too. I'm such a practical joker! After turning the faucet to 'Drip' and throwing lots of trash near (but not in) the wastebasket, I think my work will be done in that room. 

When no one is looking, Ima raid his sock drawer and turn up the thermostat to 90 degrees. Maybe activate the air-conditioning too. Can't visit without turning every single light and appliance on, either.

Finally, Ima bake some garlic bread with extra garlic. Right after I paint all of the windows shut and break the kitchen fan. 'SOR-RY!'




How am I gonna get away with this? It's easy: food. My kids can't live without it and can't resist a home-cooked meal. My recipe system is hacker-proof, so if they want Mom's tamales or egg rolls or beef bourguignon they gonna put up with some payback or suffer the consequences.

Natural consequences, of course ......


... Ok, it just occurred to me that if my kids read this post they may never leave .....

So ... never mind ...... Love ya, kids! Who's hungry?














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