Over the Wire

I finally pulled the plug on our land line.

Look, everyone in the household has his own cell phone. Other than Mom and Dad, the only people who call our home number are telemarketers and art school recruiters looking for Saleem.*

This is a momentous occasion, a step into unknown territory, but also a way to stop throwing away 50 bucks a month. As I see it, that would add up to .75 more restaurant outings per month. How can I go wrong?

Yet I hesitated. What if I were home alone and my cell phone battery was dead and there was a fire or a burglar or aliens landed or all three simultaneously? Ok, but what if one of Rocket Scientist's home science experiments went horribly wrong?

So we calculated some odds and found them to be in the range of 42,890 - 1,158,336,118 to 1. I decided I could live with those odds as long as I can get that .75 more restaurant meals/month thing.


Our calculations revealed some other interesting statistics, which helped reinforce that decision:

      * There is a 98% chance that someone will be home when the home phone rings.

      * There is a 66% chance that Someone will be Me.

      * There is a 12% chance I will be home alone.
     
      * There is a 2% chance The Cat in the Hat will drop by with Thing 1 and Thing 2.

       * There is a 99% chance that if a telemarketer calls, I am the only one who hears it.

       * There is a 0% chance that anyone other than me will listen to, clear, save messages, or pick up when the home phone rings. Not even Thing 2.


Still I hesitated. What is it about an embedded phone wire that anchors you?

It's not an easy service to cancel, either. It involves plenty of detective legwork, since after striking out online I had to ransack the place for a stupid phone book to get a phone number for the Phone Company. Also, it took Ph.D.-level archaeological research digging for mysterious user names, searching for ancient passwords, and solving difficult puzzles regarding the name of my first pet. Kind of like 'The Da Vinci Code' minus the albino monk and the breathlessness .....

I expect to find closure when I gather up all the hand-sets in the house. I think a few moments of silence and no service would be appropriate. Followed by a quick trip to a restaurant ordering only from the appetizer menu so the bill is .75 of what a regular dinner out would total.

Meanwhile, the Rocket Scientist has his eye on the no-longer-needed phone cable here. I am hoping he will use it to somehow signal the aliens to bypass our house. But if anyone is interested in some free receivers and answering machines, give us a call. Just don't dial the land line .....








* http://prgasdaska.blogspot.com/2011/09/saleem-wrong-number.html











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Influential

Seeing Time Magazine's cover this week, I immediately flipped to the back page to check out what Joel Stein had to say about Time's List of the 100 Most Influential People.

I was halfway through Joel's column when Rocket Scientist saw me with the magazine and said he knows someone on that list.

Joel Stein probably knows a few people on that list, but I bet he doesn't know who the Rocket Scientist knows. I also did not know who the Rocket Scientist knows. He made me guess.

It was easy to eliminate list celebrities like Rihanna and President Obama, who I bet Joel Stein doesn't know either. Look, if Joel Stein knew Rihanna and Obama, he'd be on the list too, right?


Ok, so the nickname 'Rocket Scientist' gives me a subtle clue about likely possibilities. I nailed it after only three guesses. I bet it would take Joel Stein twice as many guesses before he got it right.


Anyway, Rocket Scientist has worked with Donald Sadoway, influential energy engineer (in the Pioneers section, on page 77). An MIT professor, Sadoway is also in great demand consulting with businesses and passing on his expertise from a long and distinguished career. That is how Rocket Scientist met Dr. Donald (as people who know people who know him like to call him). According to the Time piece, he is currently (pun intended) involved with a student-led venture experimenting with large-scale molten-salt-and-liquid-metal batteries.

So Joel, if you need an introduction to Dr. Sadoway, you can contact the Rocket Scientist. Just don't mention your column. Rocket Scientist doesn't read it.

But don't take it personally; he doesn't read my blog, either.













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Springtime in Massachusetts

As the sun bleaches the last stains of darkness out of the sky, we awaken to the sounds of Springtime in Massachusetts ....

The squeal of ladders being raised and adjusted. The hum of buzz saws and jigsaws and hacksaws and radial saws. The growl of lawnmowers and weed trimmers. The screams of workers and homeowners falling off ladders and cutting off their buzzes, jigs, hacks, and radials. The wail of ambulances as they whisk victims off to the hospital ....

The first robin I spotted was wearing ear plugs ....



Around here, Spring arrives tardy without any apologies or notes from parents. 'I'm young, I'm beautiful, I'm here,' she announces breezily.

We are at the end of the flowering fruit tree stage, meaning I can still see as well as hear the construction going on behind us. At first I couldn't figure out what they were doing, and then Dawn Broke Over Marblehead: They are Tearing Down The Back Bump-out; they are Making Their House Smaller. That must be it ....

This construction/deconstruction merits a walk up the hill to investigate exactly what is going on. It will also allow me to see exactly how far into our neighbors' properties the dandelions from our lawn have spread.

I think I will confine my neighborhood walks to upwind streets .....

Spring brings with her a welcome entourage of street sweepers. They lumber through their rounds like atavistic orange dinosaurs, first collecting the sand-filled drums stationed halfway up the big hills in town, then vacuuming all the sand, salt, soil and other debris away. Unfortunately, they don't do interiors ....

Spring also rolls out a carpet of allergens and then sets about installing it in our nasal passages. She doesn't care; a sneeze is just a tiny squall of wind and rain, a pollination variation ....  "'Tis the season to be sneezin'," she sings ....

Spring flirts with us, showing up one day and disappearing the next, living up to her reputation as unpredictable.

But no matter, we always forgive her, give her another chance. Spring is a collective sigh of relief that we made it through another long New England winter.
















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Get Outta My Tarot!

Look, I'm tired of other people hijacking my Tarot readings.

The last self-reading I did predicted the Penn State scandal,* someone's new relationship, and new jobbortunities for someone else who moved.

A previous reading predicted the engagement of a young man -- whose fiancee shares a birthday with me. Coincidence? Probably.

That's the closest my last few readings have come to revealing anything about me personally. All that universal energy, yet I seem to be flying under the cosmic radar.

Look, I already checked that I am playing with a full deck ....

Listen, if I wanted to know who was getting engaged around here, I'd creep on their Facebook page or move The Flapper back down to the dining room. I don't need the Tarot for that.

I like Tarot as a tool for introspection, self-reflection, and examining situations from a perspective which I otherwise may not have noticed. Also, it makes me look popular at parties ....


Unfortunately, I do not show up in the cards when I read for other people, either.

It's always You, You, You, never Me, Me, Me, Me, Me. What's up with that?

I realize Tarot does not predict the future -- only the most likely outcome given the path you are on. But what if your path is so overrun by Tarot tourists you're not even on it? You feel like an atavistic intangibility crowded by anonymity, that's what ....


I've thought about posting the results of my readings in a new, public service IA(C)(c) Breaking Tarot News Headlines feature:


     Band Members' Next Quarrel Will Be About Something Trivial, or

     Busy Dude's Shoulder Problem Is Not Going Away Any Time Soon, or

     Upcoming Family Reunion Likely to Disappoint.

Then it's up to you readers to figure out whether it applies to you or not ....





So ...  do I show up in your Tarot readings??

I am a Queen of Cups by the way.

Me

Please BOLO for her next to a 10 of Pentacles.

Please disregard any Queen of Cups near The Tower, Death, The Devil, or odd-numbered or 10 of Swords. Too many stress cards for me ....

Ideally I'd like to be sandwiched between a high pentacle and the Ace or 6 of Wands and surrounded by a 9 and 10 of Cups. Supported by Major Arcana cards such as the High Priestess and World and King of Swords from the court.

This would mean a Happily Ever After future, with a loving family life and fab job paying tons of money so I can go relax in a warm, humid climate like the Caribbean Islands. Adding the 6 of Swords and especially the Sun would really seal the Caribbean part, I think.

That's when I take my deck out on the deck and do lots of introspection (about snorkeling), self-reflection (looking at myself in the pool water), and examining situations from a perspective which I otherwise may not have noticed (with views of St. Thomas) ....

Hey -- I just came up with the perfect reading.

... So ... excuse me while I go work on my shuffling skills ......







*Page of Wands - news, The Tower - false beliefs crumble, The Emperor - authority figure, Ace of Wands - job change. Reading documented on 11/04/11.

Queen of Cups - dreamer
Death - endings/beginnings
The Devil - enslavement
10 of Swords - disappointment
6 of Wands - success
10 of Pentacles - 'Wall Street Card'
9 and 10 of Cups - 'Wish Card,' family happiness
High Priestess - spirituality
World and Sun - everything
King of Swords - Rocket Scientist
6 of Swords - journey over water


(The above Tarot card interpretations are open to interpretation.)



Here's a link to explore Tarot:

learntarot.com


There are many beautiful Tarot decks out there for sale, old and modern. If you are a beginner in the market for a deck, look for one which has illustrations on the Minor Arcana cards as opposed to just numbers and its suit graphic.

The 10 of Pentacles on the left contains more visual clues to its meaning than the one on the right. It's also prettier .....

If you have never had a reading, you should do it, just for ha-ha's. If you put it on your *Uck-It List (http://prgasdaska.blogspot.com/2011/06/uck-it-list.html) you get to cross it right off. Do you dare? You may be surprised by what you turn up .....










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Through the Looking Glass

Everyone knows how the placement of mirrors can make a space look bigger, brighter, and more attractive even (depending on how good-looking you are). Mirrors also can be fun when you align them on opposite walls and create an 'infinite mirror' dynamic, like this:

Count the mirrors ....

Here's a technique with a mirror which you may not have seen yet on HGTV. I call it The SpyRorrim(c) Effect. ('Rorrim' is 'mirror' backwards. Look, 'SpyMirror' and 'SpyGlass' are already copyrighted.)

I discovered by accident one day that if I stood in our back hallway and looked in the mirror on The Flapper (our 1920s-era server) in the dining room, I could see what's going on in the front foyer while remaining unseen by anybody there.

Similarly, if I stood in the front foyer and looked in The Flapper's mirror, I could see who's in the family room while not being visible to them. I could actually see that there wasn't any porn on the computer screen!

I believe Hamlet was in the front foyer of Elsinore Castle when he said '... to hold as 'twere the mirror up to nature ....'  (Act 3, scene 2, 21-22). I think Shakespeare was saying that thanks to the strategic placement of our Flapper, I could keep tabs on the action in the opposite corner of the house, right?

Cool, right?

Unfortunately, nothing interesting ever happened during my 20-second-attention-span surveillance. Also, I felt a teeny bit creepy afterwards (for about 20 seconds) even though it's my house and we're talking about common space.

Look, I'm not advocating that you rearrange your furniture to spy on your teen-aged daughter and her pierced, tattooed, dread-locked, older, underfed, unemployed boyfriend. You should hire someone for that ....

However, if you have young kids, or if you are otherwise a care-giver, mirror placement can give you a few extra seconds of peace of mind if you have to leave the room. So walk through your house, take a mirror or two, and experiment. It's fun. It also has useful security applications, which all of you paranoids out there will appreciate ....  Just be careful! Don't drop anything! 

I wish I had a photo of The Flapper in the dining room to illustrate how we achieved The SpyRorrim Effect, but alas, we have rearranged the furniture. We had to cover up a wine stain .....

Nowadays The Flapper resides in the upstairs foyer. But if you climb on the front foyer's chandelier and look through The Flapper's mirror, you see ....

Ssalg gnikool eht hguorht ....


















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Would Moses Retreat from Stand Your Ground?

Dare I be serious and wade into Trayvon Martin waters? Only to make a few points ....

To recap, Trayvon Martin, a 17-year-old black high-schooler, was allegedly confronted while returning from a munchie run in Sanford, Fla., by an armed neighborhood watch volunteer named George Zimmerman on Feb. 26, 2012. The encounter left Martin dead of a gunshot wound, with Zimmerman claiming self-defense. Local authorities determined that the state's Stand Your Ground gun law protects individuals in Zimmerman's situation from prosecution and did not charge him. Federal investigators are now reviewing the case.

Information is being leaked in dribbles, so we must refrain from passing judgement until all the facts are in. I can only hope there will be enough of them to prove unequivocal innocence or guilt -- in court.

Possibly what disturbs me most about this case is the vigilantism combined with firearms.

 'The Bible says "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth'" (Exodus 21:24), says Sister No. 1.

Often quoted to justify revenge, this verse has several subtle meanings. However, SYG undermines one essential interpretation of this ancient legal standard: An eye for an eye -- not a head for an eye.

To further quote our erudite sibling:

'The story of Jesus being executed with two thieves is an example of punishment under Roman law that did not fit the crimes. The Code of Hammurabi [Babylonian law code dating from 1772 B.C.] is similarly strict. "If any one is committing a robbery and is caught, then he shall be put to death" is just one example of the death penalty for crimes that do not involve the taking of a life.' 

Since the Hebrew religion emphasized humans as made in the image of God, capital punishment according to Mosaic law was reserved largely for murder cases, writes Josefine Cole, a scholar and Yahoo contributor.

So if we think Islamic fundamentalism's cutting off the hand of a thief is barbaric (yet through due process), then how do we feel about sanctioned death for alleged assault?

Consider justice meted out in the Wild West: Horse thieves were hanged. Is that the modern-day equivalent of car thieves getting the chair?

Which justice system would you prefer to live with: Ancient Babylonian, Ancient Roman, Wild West, or eye-for-an-eye Ancient Hebrew?

... Take the gun out of the Martin-Zimmerman confrontation and the courts might give either man (or both) probation, or a jail sentence, and/or maybe mandatory battery classes. Add the gun and someone gets a peremptory death sentence.

Dead men tell no tales. So if you draw your weapon in SYG territory you had better shoot to kill, because otherwise it is one person's word against another, right? This kind of gun-carrying law seems to take the courts, the judicial system, and personal responsibility out of the equation. Two lives were ruined; one, ended .... Can't we do better?

... When I was a teenager I accompanied my Dad to a local gun club, where he showed us how to use a .22 handgun. The recoil was so powerful my shots never came anywhere near the target let alone its center. I realize I was young and inexperienced, but to this day I have serious qualms about stray bullets hitting bystanders. If you aren't trained and experienced with firearms -- and even if you are -- your actions can have horrific unintended consequences. Just ask George Zimmerman ....

Look, I know plenty of respectable, responsible hunters and gun collectors. Got no problems with them. Unfortunately there are too many gundamentalists out there -- men who are so passionate about their guns it makes me second-guess their trustworthiness with them.

Not a month goes by, it seems, without another massacre. We are all at risk here! Is this what we want? Americans like to say we export freedom, but in reality, we export guns. Are we Ok with that?

In Massachusetts, an SYG-type bill was introduced several years ago. Gov. Deval Patrick has indicated he would not sign it. A license to carry here can be issued by a local authority such as the Chief of Police after a background check, training certification, and an interview. Commonwealth gun laws apply to visitors.


The last massacre of innocent citizens I know of around these parts is The Boston Massacre in 1770. Ok, there was the Boston Strangler in the 1960s but that was different ....



'The New York Times' ran an in-depth piece on the Martin shooting in its April 2, 2012, edition. Here's a link:

http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/m/trayvon_martin/index.html?scp=1-spot&sq=trayvon%20martin&st=cse



Here's a link to a site listing the states where 'Stand Your Ground' is legal:

http://www.alternet.org/story/154683/23_states_with_%22stand_your_ground%22_gun_laws_like_the_one_that_let_trayvon_martin%27s_killer_go_free


You can explore the Code of Hammurabi starting here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Code_of_hammurabi


Wikipedia also has info on the law of Moses:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mosaic_Law


And you can also consult Bible books Genesis through Deuteronomy.











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Payback Mom

Look, I would never win any Mom of the Year awards. I'm not a Tiger Mom or a helicopter parent. In our household, the Law Of Natural Consequences rules. If you don't listen, naturally there's a consequence ....

I love my kids, see, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not looking forward to the day when they move out. I look at this college-age time we have together and repeat, 'It's a gift. It's a gift. It's a gift ....'

That's not to say I don't have my very first visit to their very own digs planned out. Gonna exact some revenge that has been stewing for years ....

First, I will have my son fetch me in his car, in which Ima spill a 24-oz. cup of Orange Crush. Hoping the upholstery and carpeting are white or tan for maximum impact ....

When I enter his new place, Ima slam the door several times for emphasis, then kick it shut for good measure wearing my blackest, most rubbery soles so they will leave at least one dark mark, or if I'm lucky, some dent or hole.

Next, Ima take off my jacket and hat and just fling them. Ok, I will aim for the bannister, newel post, or even kitchen faucet -- anywhere but the closet.

I will be packing his old plastic BB gun so I can shoot those suckers all over his house during my visit. 'Oh, did I break that? SOR-RY!'

Before I strip the refrigerator of all edible food (leaving the door ajar when I'm finished), gonna have a large goblet of red wine to spill on his carpet. 'SOR-RY!'

This signals Furniture Rearranging Time, when I move the living room furniture around to suit my fancy (ostensibly to cover up the wine stain). Maybe I will bring a house-warming plant which I can accidentally drop, leaving shards of pottery, plant and mud to be cleaned up by someone other than me. 'SOR-RY!'

In the bathroom, I will make sure to clog up the toilet and leave the next person without any paper. Then, using the collection of his old name tags from work that I have brought with me, I will pin each hand towel together, rendering them unusable too. I'm such a practical joker! After turning the faucet to 'Drip' and throwing lots of trash near (but not in) the wastebasket, I think my work will be done in that room. 

When no one is looking, Ima raid his sock drawer and turn up the thermostat to 90 degrees. Maybe activate the air-conditioning too. Can't visit without turning every single light and appliance on, either.

Finally, Ima bake some garlic bread with extra garlic. Right after I paint all of the windows shut and break the kitchen fan. 'SOR-RY!'




How am I gonna get away with this? It's easy: food. My kids can't live without it and can't resist a home-cooked meal. My recipe system is hacker-proof, so if they want Mom's tamales or egg rolls or beef bourguignon they gonna put up with some payback or suffer the consequences.

Natural consequences, of course ......


... Ok, it just occurred to me that if my kids read this post they may never leave .....

So ... never mind ...... Love ya, kids! Who's hungry?














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