The two old stand-by New Year's resolutions I trot out every year are to lose weight and get a job. They've been recycled so often the descenders in the 'g's' are ready to break off ....
Some years I achieve both goals. Some years one or the other. Some years, neither.
Right now they both sound like a lot of work.
It's too bad finding a job is so much work. As I always say, everyone wants a job -- even people who don't want to work. Like me. It's regrettable no one will pay me to lose weight, which would kill two birds with one stone. Or pay me to find a job, which would kill one bird and maybe injure another ....
I've been trying to pinpoint my ideal job for several seconds now. So far, it involves sitting around a table infrequently with a bunch of other writers and riffing off them for some comedian's act, all while collecting a crapload of money. Possibly selling crap I've already written for another crapload of money. Also promising to produce more crap in the future in exchange for a crapload of money right now. After which time I relax at some resort in the Caribbean with my family.
Look, I know people have jobs like these but won't admit to it because if they do everyone will try to take it away from them using nefarious means if necessary. At least that's what I would do ....
... Another possible career highlighting my strengths might be listening to other people's problems and then telling them what the hell they need to do to fix their lives. Tv show is totally optional. Collecting a crapload of money is not. The downside is this sounds suspiciously like therapy, which I am not academically qualified to dispense. I suppose I could operate unlicensed, but somehow I don't see a crapload of gold there without the Tv show, for which I would have to lose weight in order to appear ....
I've also thought of hiring myself out to parties, to sit around the periphery and make quips during conversation. But as fun as it sounds, alas, Tips For Quips(c) isn't likely to give my credit rating much of a bounce ....
... So far this year I have made unimpressive progress in my job search agenda, having found a resume from 1998, perused the Craig's List classifieds twice, and gotten a manicure. I know I need to at least appear to be ramping up this search but I really don't know where else to turn. Everyone I talk to gives me excellent advice that is way too much work to follow ....
Well I guess if anyone hears about any openings in the above fields they can contact me .... Hey, I don't even need health insurance. I live in Massachusetts.
Pass it along and remember, It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2012(c)(c)
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