If this post isn't up to standard it's because I'm sick.
I started coughing yesterday, which is all the excuse I need to cancel my plans for the rest of the week and huddle in bed with a sci-fi DVD and a box of tissues.
What I really need is a spittoon ..... I could cough up enough multi-colored gunk of varying viscosity for a feature-length Creature From Outer Space With Post Nasal Drip flick .... I also make convincing Creature Sound Effects with my coughing, sneezing, blowing, and throat-clearing ....
Look, I don't get sick too often -- so when I do it's a Big Deal. When I get sick, there's no one on earth (human or alien) who feels quite as wretched as I do. My colds are worse than yours, Ok?
Fortunately I have a script for my family to follow so when we finally get through this tragedy everyone is still speaking to me.
This means: first, everyone should drop what they are doing and ask me if there's anything I need, like a spittoon. Or a stiff drink, since I prefer being unconscious when I'm sick. (Suddenly the script sounds like a Western ....)
Next, everyone should line up to take over my duties plus volunteer for round-the-clock nursing shifts. This includes knowing the exact times I will be drifting off to sleep and becoming familiar with my REM cycles so I don't have to text someone for a refill of Felipe Segundo.
Also, everyone should stop by the bedroom and say things like, 'Gee, you really seem way sicker than me when I get a cold,' and 'I heard you weren't feeling well so I made you some casseroles and cleaned your shower grout,' and even 'Let me empty that spittoon for you.'
Finally, I get control of the Tv remote. I may not use it, but I retain custody as long as I am conscious. That is non-negotiable.
Look, I can't chance getting sucked into a sappy chick flick which will increase the fluids flowing from my facial orifices. I can't risk a comedy where a laugh could morph into a wheeze or even a coughing fit. No gory action films which may upset my stomach ..... Gotta stick with safe sci-fi, where I can match up with any alien secretions ....
... So I'm a pretty easy patient, right?
Look, don't expect anything from me. I'm sick! No picture with this blog, either. I'm sick!
... Time for a nap ........ zzzzzzzzzzzz
Pass it along and remember, It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
Boy, are you in luck, Pat! We have a spittoon that you are welcome to borrow. We've never even used it. My mother-in-law gave it to Ben for Christmas when he was 12, I believe. Evidently it's an heirloom handed down from one side of the family or the other. When Ben opened it, he looked completely baffled. "What is it?" he asked. Even though I knew perfectly well what it was, I told him it was a bedpan.
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