Why I Kind of Hate The Holidays

Look, I like the pretty music and decorations and food and parties and family and friends, but when you consider how much manual labor it takes to get to that point, suddenly you're not not fa-la-la-ing with quite as much good cheer.

I don't wanna be a Grinch, but when you are in charge of cooking, cleaning, laundry, and shopping, the holidays just pile it on. Add 'Emmanuel labor' to the regular rigorous regimen of chores, plus surfing the net, blogging, napping, talking on the phone, and sitting around watching Tv -- you can see there's barely enough time to fight mall traffic let alone pepper spray some rude shopper.

I am still on schedule, fortunately -- although there are still six more opportunities to fall behind ....

... So, on the eighth day before Christmas, I got all my shopping done:

      Five assorted gift cards.
      Four flannel shirts size LT,
      Three paperback books,
      Two Lionel ore cars that say Bethlehem Steel on the side,
      And an upgrade to our Sirius radio.

Also, on the seventh day before Christmas I got my baking done:

      Four calling birds,
      Three French hens,
      Two turtle doves,
      And a partridge in a pear tree.

No, that's not how it goes:

      Four dozen kiffels
      Three poppyseed rolls
      Two nut rolls too,
      And a pumpkin pie with home-made crust.

This week calls for more cookie baking, final wrapping, and mailing. Don't even mention Christmas cards, since I am starting a new tradition of sending Martin Luther King Day cards .... I will probably spend the daylight hours of December 24 cleaning and then curled up in a fetal position to ease my aching back before tackling the traditional five-course Slovak Christmas Eve Feast ....

Oh What Fun It Is ....

I think for next Christmas I'll ask Husband for a Christmas Assistant. Or, if you happen to be an elf,  fairy, or angel, please drop by my house: you will be welcomed warmly, fed well, then put to work. (You can even stay in our basement ... angels can try the attic if they prefer ....)

... Gotta run ... I saw a big star hovering over the UPS store so I thought I'd take some gifts and go check it out ....










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Holiday Newsletter

Christmas is creeping up, and miraculously I am on schedule with preparations -- except for the cards.

The Christmas cards I choose each year always feature a star motif, since I am obsessed with star motifs. (See 'Tattoo Be Or Not Tattoo Be,' May 14, 2011.)  ... This year I couldn't find any that I liked, so in lieu of a star card I plan to send the following newsletter -- with added star design -- to update friends and family regarding the past year.

Look, if you don't receive yours in the mail blame the post office, Ok? Anyway, just read it below .....



Dear Family and Friends,

It's been a stellar year in our household -- we really can't complain.

2011 sent earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes and blizzards our way but the worst that happened (so far) was we lost some trees.

In 2011:

   *   We never lost power and our basement stayed dry.

   *   No one was hospitalized with a near-fatal disease.

   *   No one was injured in an accident.

   *   No one was mugged or kidnapped or worse.

   *   No one ran away from home (although I thought about it once or twice).

   *   No one was fired from their job or forced to resign in disgrace.

   *   No one flunked out or was expelled from school.

   *   We weren't burglarized and our stuff wasn't pawned (that we know of).

   *   No homeless musicians needed shelter in our basement (for more than a weekend. That we know of).

   *   No one was arrested or served any jail time.

   *   No one needed to be resuscitated.

   *   No cars were totaled.

   *   No one overdosed or spent any time in rehab.

   *   No one was the subject of any investigations or the target of any lawsuits.

   *   The house didn't burn down when the furnace caught fire.

   *   The big old oak tree out back didn't fall on the house.

   *   No one stole our identity.

   *   No one started a feud with us.

   *   No one was hit by a meteorite or space junk.


Ok, so maybe compared to your year, ours was as dull as the constellation Pleiades, registering only a magnitude of 5 on the Brightness scale. But to us, the past 12 months clearly rated a 2, equivalent to, say, Castor in Gemini the Twins -- for which we are very grateful.

We hope the trend holds, that you too experienced similar good fortune, and that 2012 will shine with a magnitude of 1 or greater, like Betelgeuse or even Rigel in Orion (or as I fondly call him, O'Ryan, the Irish Hunter).


... Wishing you peace, prosperity, good health, and a sprinkling of magic stardust in whichever corner of the universe you call home....


Merry Christmas, etc.!

Happy New Year too!


Love,

P@







* * * Acknowledgement to 'The Stars: A New Way to See Them' By H.A. Rey, who in addition to creating the Curious George series wrote this classic volume on star-gazing. Published in Boston by Houghton Mifflin, 1952.






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Santa on the Yellow Brick Road to the White House

So ... the GOP candidates are criss-crossing Munchkinland and Oz, campaigning for their chance to be the Man Behind The Curtain in Emerald City.

Here's hoping the Wizard In Red can help them out this Christmas by delivering to each of them something they could really use, instead of some wicked ugly clock, useless medal or lame testimonial:


     Newt Gingrich -- Courage

     Mitt Romney -- Heart

     Rick Perry -- Brain

     Ron Paul -- Eyebrow waxing at the Emerald City Spa

     Michelle Bachmann -- Opium-induced vision


Also, for the Mass. senate seat:

     Scott Brown -- Old Guard allegiance

     Elizabeth Warren -- Endorsement from The Lollipop Guild



... The silica crystals of time fall relentlessly to the bottom of the big dirty hourglass. Meanwhile at least one creature flying around in a monkey suit is thinking: Fuck the shoes, gotta get my paws on that crystal ball ....
  

Ok, so I'm totally spellbound by 'Wicked,' by Gregory Maguire.

By the current GOP candidates -- not so much .....

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Sick!

If this post isn't up to standard it's because I'm sick.

I started coughing yesterday, which is all the excuse I need to cancel my plans for the rest of the week and huddle in bed with a sci-fi DVD and a box of tissues.

What I really need is a spittoon .....  I could cough up enough multi-colored gunk of varying viscosity for a feature-length Creature From Outer Space With Post Nasal Drip flick .... I also make convincing Creature Sound Effects with my coughing, sneezing, blowing, and throat-clearing ....


Look, I don't get sick too often -- so when I do it's a Big Deal. When I get sick, there's no one on earth (human or alien) who feels quite as wretched as I do. My colds are worse than yours, Ok?

Fortunately I have a script for my family to follow so when we finally get through this tragedy everyone is still speaking to me.

This means: first, everyone should drop what they are doing and ask me if there's anything I need, like a spittoon. Or a stiff drink, since I prefer being unconscious when I'm sick. (Suddenly the script sounds like a Western ....)

Next, everyone should line up to take over my duties plus volunteer for round-the-clock nursing shifts. This includes knowing the exact times I will be drifting off to sleep and becoming familiar with my REM cycles so I don't have to text someone for a refill of Felipe Segundo.

Also, everyone should stop by the bedroom and say things like, 'Gee, you really seem way sicker than me when I get a cold,' and 'I heard you weren't feeling well so I made you some casseroles and cleaned your shower grout,' and even 'Let me empty that spittoon for you.'

Finally, I get control of the Tv remote. I may not use it, but I retain custody as long as I am conscious. That is non-negotiable.

Look, I can't chance getting sucked into a sappy chick flick which will increase the fluids flowing from my facial orifices. I can't risk a comedy where a laugh could morph into a wheeze or even a coughing fit. No gory action films which may upset my stomach ..... Gotta stick with safe sci-fi, where I can match up with any alien secretions  ....

... So I'm a pretty easy patient, right? 



Look, don't expect anything from me. I'm sick! No picture with this blog, either. I'm sick!




... Time for a nap ........ zzzzzzzzzzzz













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