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| Fern fights entropy. |
... Our guests have come and gone, but for a few brief, glorious nanoseconds my house looked magazine cover ready.
To add educational value to this post, let's review the definition of a nanosecond: one-billionth of a second. That's a denominator of 1 followed by 9 zeroes punctuated by several commas. So by the time the shutter snapped, everything but this small corner was a cluttered mess again ....
... When it comes to cleaning, I invoke my sister's theory of 'personal dirt,' which means your own dead skin, hair and half-chewed food isn't gross but everyone else's is. That works until you add visitors to the equation, when suddenly you realize that your combined household Personal Dirt is the dominant decor theme ....
Look, I have to do the cleaning here because heaven forbid a stranger discovered how we actually live. And sorry to break it to you, but if you like to clean there must be something wrong with you -- because I absolutely freakin hate it and there's nothing wrong with me ....
ME TO FAM: Just giving you a heads up that I have to do some heavy cleaning. And do you remember how I get when I have to do heavy cleaning?
FAM: ... Uh, unhappy?
ME: ... Uh, how about nasty?
This is an excellent way of making everyone disappear from the room, which is great as long as they take all of their junk with them ....
... I am aware my vacuum cleaner harbors a personal dislike towards me. Ok, we hate each other. I curse at it for snagging on a door, then it falls over and smacks me when my back is turned. So I choke-hold it and drag it screeching to another room -- and it twists the cord around my ankle and trips me. Worse, it has turned the spray cleaners against me too, because they are always leaving the room or clogging up.
So cleaning always turns into this pitched battle between me and the appliances, with me nicking Bissell and breaking its attachments while Bissell peppers me with bruise-inducing punches and pinches. Meanwhile, I suspect the spiders and dust bunnies are secretly laughing, stockpiling ammunition and forging alliances with the dead houseplant leaves and tissue wads ....
Maybe I should consider a ceasefire and try negotiations. Bissell and I are on the same team, right?
Maybe I could take it to a repair shop for an attitude adjustment. Or obedience school. Bissell whisperer? I'd really prefer to send it to Jabba The Hut's Robot Repair Shop ....
Maybe I could take myself to a repair shop for an attitude adjustment. I'm thinking one with a view of the ocean and maid service .... I know it's only a temporary cure which needs constant repetition, but I'm motivated. Sure beats couples therapy ....
NO UPDATES! This Is Positively Absolutely The Last Time I Will Ever Post Anything Having To Do With CLEANING!!!!!
Pass it along and remember, It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
I (a normal male) never cleaned at all my entire life (for almost 40 years) then was faced with the situation of cleaning and couldn't believe the incredible hassle and effort it took. I had to buy a new washer, dryer and vacuums so I could get the manuals. I now clean with the "domino" theory - Cleaning is like setting up the big domino layout throughout your house so that you can spend the next week knocking them down and enjoying the fun of messing it up. Weeeeeeee!
ReplyDeleteActually, Pat, your sister (the one who goes nowhere without huge bottles of hand sanitizer and Clorox wipes and sees no irony in this at all) has long since expanded her definition of personal dirt to include family dirt, so that when you and the other members of her extended family come for a visit, she doesn't actually have to clean beforehand. She suggests that you alter your definition accordingly.
ReplyDeleteThis is freekin' hilarious AND so true. As you know, we encounter many of the same problems *having kids almost the exact same age, and husbands that prefer a keyboard and screen to a "GO TEAM CLEAN" meet with us, their loyal spouses! So funny. The truth is, I actually LIKE cleaning. Feel so proud when it's done. I languish around in the cleanliness of a newly vaccuumed and RESOLVED room, really revel in it. YET, yet, yet it's so TIME consuming THAT's what infuriates me about it, and the bruising, oh yeah, I can so relate to what my vacuum does to intentionally trip me. TEAM MAID Patty, that is my DREAM too! If I were to win the lottery, first order of the day would be to have a thrice a week maid come & do the every-day type cleaning, and I'll detail the hell out of what she gets done, if she takes care of your aforementioned tissue wads and dead plant leaves!
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