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Look, I never said I was a good driver -- although I haven't had a moving violation in over 15 years.
Regardless, the ability to express myself qualifies me to generalize, categorize, and criticize other drivers in other states, right?
Look, I have driven the highways through Mass., Conn., N.Y., N.J., Pa., Ohio, and Mich. (not to mention 39 other states) enough times to know what to expect from local traffic:
MICHIGAN: Let's face it, the car drives the state here. It may be a bit rusty and only an exit ahead of the repo man, but Car is still King. In fact, the only ground transportation in or out of the Detroit Metro Airport is by car. Not surprisingly, Michigan roadways have some of the highest speed limits, which drivers eagerly and deftly ignore. If you have an out-of-state plate, no self-respecting Michigan driver gonna sit behind you in the right lane going a paltry 72 mph ..... You also have to be prepared for parts falling off vehicles since there's no inspection here -- and flying trash too since there's no money to clean up. And for heaven's sake, DON'T kill a roadside worker or you will be sent to prison! It's the law!
OHIO: Sorry to say Ohio drivers are sadly outclassed by Michigan and Northeast drivers and would be the first to be eliminated on any reality show. They putter along at an obedient 65 mph, but at least they politely get out of your way when you approach to pass.
PENNSYLVANIA: Like Ohioans, Pa. drivers are clueless, but even more so because they won't vacate the passing lane. In fact, some of them don't know what a passing lane is. Pa. drivers are so flummoxed by another lane opening up they will instinctively hit their brakes to buy time for a decision. In their favor, however, are their above-average reaction times plus their enviable ability to not piss off the numerous trucks alternately chugging up and free-falling down the mountainous interstates .....
NEW JERSEY: Jersey drivers are fast, lane-changing slimers -- you gotta problem with that?? When you drive N.J., you gotta be prepared for sudden lane changes on your right, left, in front and behind you. Simultaneously. Also, beware of sudden, unexplained stretches of open highway. These can be dangerous since so few drivers in N.J. have ever encountered this phenomenon.
NEW YORK: Outside the city, N.Y.-ers are the savviest. Their passing is precision-timed and their cruise controls set to glide by you. They are great plates to follow because they act as fullbacks to your halfback and so are more likely to be called for a speeding penalty than you. Just don't get in front of a N.Y.-er with a Yankees decal if your own vehicle has a Red Sox one (or vice versa) ....
CONNECTICUT: Conn.-ers clog up the road 24/7, I guess because all roads in The Constitution State are toll-free and everyone loves using something and not paying. However, Conn. drivers also express a higher-than-average ownership of said roads, since they will absolutely, positively, never-in-a-million-years move over to let you pass.
MASSACHUSETTS: Commonwealth drivers are the hardest to categorize since there are so many squeezed into such a small space. Many are students, especially from N.Y., N.J., and Conn., which means you get Cruisers, Slimers, and Own-The-Roaders masquerading as Mass. drivers. Another large percentage are simply lost, since there are few road signs in Mass. and the ones that do exist are confusing. For example, you'd think Lake Street in town would be on the lake, right? But nooooo -- it LEADS to the lake. That might be helpful information if there were a sign telling you that you're in fact on Lake St., but alas, there's no street sign, so without a map or GPS, you're cooked .... Also, if Lake St. leads to the lake and the Boston Turnpike leads to Boston, does View St. lead to a view? Where does Mars St. lead??
So anyway, if you are traveling in any of these states and observe a superb driver with Mass. plates, go ahead and slime/cruise by/obliviously ignore me. I will still refrain from tailgating you within an inch of your life or repeatedly shooting my high beams at you. I know you, driver ....
... Ok, sometimes in these situations I fantasize about living in the flat, wide-open West where there are plenty of street signs and few drivers. But I'd probably just find something else to generalize, categorize, and criticize .....
Pass it along and remember, It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
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