Saleem, Wrong Number

I'm searching for an artistic kid named Saleem. In this age of Internet and Facebook, how hard can it be?

Here's what I know: Name sounds like Saleem, but could be Celine or spelled differently. (To make things easier,  Ima henceforth refer to our young artist as Saleem, a male.)

Saleem is applying to art schools.

Saleem gave out my phone number instead of his own.

I don't know how that happened. Maybe Saleem is dyslexic or ditzy or just so over-scheduled he made a simple mistake. Or is he diabolical, employing a creative way to get relentless college recruiters off his back?

Whatever the reason, I'm tired of dashing upstairs/downstairs/inside/outside every time some art school recruiter wants to talk to Saleem. I'm sick of listening to hard-sell pitches for art schools that I couldn't get into. It's also depressing how many more calls Saleem gets than me.

In other words, Saleem needs to be hunted down and taught a harsh lesson about proofreading.


In lieu of hiring a hit man, I'm counting on everyone to get the word out -- Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon-like -- so Saleem can be found. To expedite matters, let's just circulate that Saleem came into some money. Scholarship money.

Look, if we don't make contact, this talented high-schooler may never get a chance to go to his Reach school and may have to settle for his Safe one. This could have catastrophically negative effects on his future.

You don't want to be responsible for that, right?

Please help. It's not like I'm asking for money. Search your phone contacts file. Search your Facebook  friends lists. Search your secret list that I didn't make. If you come up with a hit, tell Saleem to call someone whose name sounds like Pat but could be Pam ....  He should know the number ....




... Gotta go make myself a BLT ....









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Driving While Profiling

Ok, I'm on Melody -- but what's the name of the street I have to turn onto?

Look, I never said I was a good driver -- although I haven't had a moving violation in over 15 years.

Regardless, the ability to express myself qualifies me to generalize, categorize, and criticize other drivers in other states, right?

Look, I have driven the highways through Mass., Conn., N.Y., N.J., Pa., Ohio, and Mich. (not to mention 39 other states) enough times to know what to expect from local traffic:

MICHIGAN: Let's face it, the car drives the state here. It may be a bit rusty and only an exit ahead of the repo man, but Car is still King. In fact, the only ground transportation in or out of the Detroit Metro Airport is by car. Not surprisingly, Michigan roadways have some of the highest speed limits, which drivers eagerly and deftly ignore. If you have an out-of-state plate, no self-respecting Michigan driver gonna sit behind you in the right lane going a paltry 72 mph ..... You also have to be prepared for parts falling off vehicles since there's no inspection here -- and flying trash too since there's no money to clean up. And for heaven's sake, DON'T kill a roadside worker or you will be sent to prison! It's the law!

OHIO: Sorry to say Ohio drivers are sadly outclassed by Michigan and Northeast drivers and would be the first to be eliminated on any reality show. They putter along at an obedient 65 mph, but at least they politely get out of your way when you approach to pass.

PENNSYLVANIA: Like Ohioans, Pa. drivers are clueless, but even more so because they won't vacate the passing lane. In fact, some of them don't know what a passing lane is. Pa. drivers are so flummoxed by another lane opening up they will instinctively hit their brakes to buy time for a decision. In their favor, however, are their above-average reaction times plus their enviable ability to not piss off the numerous trucks alternately chugging up and free-falling down the mountainous interstates .....

NEW JERSEY: Jersey drivers are fast, lane-changing slimers -- you gotta problem with that?? When you drive N.J., you gotta be prepared for sudden lane changes on your right, left, in front and behind you. Simultaneously. Also, beware of sudden, unexplained stretches of open highway. These can be dangerous since so few drivers in N.J. have ever encountered this phenomenon.

NEW YORK: Outside the city, N.Y.-ers are the savviest. Their passing is precision-timed and their cruise controls set to glide by you. They are great plates to follow because they act as fullbacks to your halfback and so are more likely to be called for a speeding penalty than you. Just don't get in front of a N.Y.-er with a Yankees decal if your own vehicle has a Red Sox one (or vice versa) ....

CONNECTICUT: Conn.-ers clog up the road 24/7, I guess because all roads in The Constitution State are toll-free and everyone loves using something and not paying. However, Conn. drivers also express a higher-than-average ownership of said roads, since they will absolutely, positively, never-in-a-million-years move over to let you pass.

MASSACHUSETTS: Commonwealth drivers are the hardest to categorize since there are so many squeezed into such a small space. Many are students, especially from N.Y., N.J., and Conn., which means you get Cruisers, Slimers, and Own-The-Roaders masquerading as Mass. drivers. Another large percentage are simply lost, since there are few road signs in Mass. and the ones that do exist are confusing. For example, you'd think Lake Street in town would be on the lake, right? But nooooo -- it LEADS to the lake. That might be helpful information if there were a sign telling you that you're in fact on Lake St., but alas, there's no street sign, so without a map or GPS, you're cooked .... Also, if Lake St. leads to the lake and the Boston Turnpike leads to Boston, does View St. lead to a view? Where does Mars St. lead??


So anyway, if you are traveling in any of these states and observe a superb driver with Mass. plates, go ahead and slime/cruise by/obliviously ignore me. I will still refrain from tailgating you within an inch of your life or repeatedly shooting my high beams at you. I know you, driver ....

... Ok, sometimes in these situations I fantasize about living in the flat, wide-open West where there are plenty of street signs and few drivers. But I'd probably just find something else to generalize, categorize, and criticize  .....











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Personal Dirt

Fern fights entropy.

... Our guests have come and gone, but for a few brief, glorious nanoseconds my house looked magazine cover ready.

To add educational value to this post, let's review the definition of a nanosecond: one-billionth of a second. That's a denominator of 1 followed by 9 zeroes punctuated by several commas. So by the time the shutter snapped, everything but this small corner was a cluttered mess again ....

... When it comes to cleaning, I invoke my sister's theory of 'personal dirt,' which means your own dead skin, hair and half-chewed food isn't gross but everyone else's is. That works until you add visitors to the equation, when suddenly you realize that your combined household Personal Dirt is the dominant decor theme ....

Look, I have to do the cleaning here because heaven forbid a stranger discovered how we actually live. And sorry to break it to you, but if you like to clean there must be something wrong with you -- because I absolutely freakin hate it and there's nothing wrong with me ....


ME TO FAM: Just giving you a heads up that I have to do some heavy cleaning. And do you remember how I get when I have to do heavy cleaning?

FAM:  ... Uh, unhappy?

ME: ... Uh, how about nasty?

This is an excellent way of making everyone disappear from the room, which is great as long as they take all of their junk with them ....


...  I am aware my vacuum cleaner harbors a personal dislike towards me. Ok, we hate each other. I curse at it for snagging on a door, then it falls over and smacks me when my back is turned. So I choke-hold it and drag it screeching to another room -- and it twists the cord around my ankle and trips me. Worse, it has turned the spray cleaners against me too, because they are always leaving the room or clogging up.

So cleaning always turns into this pitched battle between me and the appliances, with me nicking Bissell and breaking its attachments while Bissell peppers me with bruise-inducing punches and pinches. Meanwhile, I suspect the spiders and dust bunnies are secretly laughing, stockpiling ammunition and forging alliances with the dead houseplant leaves and tissue wads ....

Maybe I should consider a ceasefire and try negotiations. Bissell and I are on the same team, right?

Maybe I could take it to a repair shop for an attitude adjustment. Or obedience school. Bissell whisperer? I'd really prefer to send it to Jabba The Hut's Robot Repair Shop ....

Maybe I could take myself to a repair shop for an attitude adjustment. I'm thinking one with a view of the ocean and maid service .... I know it's only a temporary cure which needs constant repetition, but I'm motivated. Sure beats couples therapy ....



NO UPDATES! This Is Positively Absolutely The Last Time I Will Ever Post Anything Having To Do With CLEANING!!!!!






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Lay About Day

The HELP(c) cure

... Yes, I used to be able to walk backwards downhill, but not yesterday, when I strained the cheese out of my left calf muscle. A night's sleep and several ibuprofen later I am recuperating nicely, thank you -- not that I'd turn a florist delivery person away ....

... So I decided to try my freshly-trademarked-and-available-for-licensing HELP(c) cure -- that is, Heat, Eat, Levitation, Pressure. Maybe when I'm done writing I'll go foraging downstairs for some food ....

... So after several false starts (staples, rubber bracelet, and trouser hanger -- my personal favorite on the Ridiculous Scale) Rocket Scientist rigged up a way to secure a heating pad around my leg. He was searching for some bull clips and found these plastic ties in one of the secretary's drawers. Please tell me everyone else stores their plastic ties in their secretary's drawers .... No, not that kind of secretary and not that kind of drawers ....

... So I'm here blogging because there's not a whole lot you can do when you are tethered to an outlet and can't find an extension cord long enough to reach the grocery store .... Our longest one will almost reach to the hedges that need trimming but not quite. Which is a relief, since I'd feel like a No. 8 on the Ridiculous Scale plugged into an electric hedge trimmer and a heating pad ....

... I am hearing the distant sound of cutlery tinkling. It's the sound of someone who is not me emptying the dishwasher. Like music to my ears -- live, not recorded too .... Fortunately Husband left me with a penknife in case of emergency. He really should have left me with a bigger one because if the pad gets too hot and/or the ties start cutting off my circulation I don't think a two-inch blade's gonna be able to hack through the bone and muscle in my leg let alone those plastic ties ....



... Back from a successful food-foraging expedition. Definitely the best part of the HELP(c) cure. I have discovered the Step And Drag Method is the least painful to get around -- and is also an effective way to clean your floors judging by the bottoms of my socks ....




Have a labor-free Labor Day! Heating pad optional .....




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Current Events, Multiple Choice

Time for school and your first quiz of the new semester. Let's see who was paying attention to events this summer not covered in my posts:

1. While golfing on Nantucket, President Obama shot:
     a.) 5 over par
     b.) No one
     c.) Heroin
     d.) None of the above

2. Experts think a new Libyan government will resemble:

     a.) Iraq -- with corruption and reprisals
     b.) Switzerland --  but with tents
     c.) 'The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum at Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade' -- i.e., Iran
     d.) None of the above

3. The worst damage from the 5.8 earthquake which shook the East Coast on August 24, 2011, occurred:

     a.) At its epicenter in Mineral, Va.
     b.) At the Federal East Coast Earthquake Damage Control Center In Washington
     c.) In the secret Unobtainium mine under the Pentagon
     d.) None of the above

4. Hurricanes get their power from:

     a.) Warm water temps and air masses off Africa
     b.) A V-12
     c.) Democratic elections held every four years
     d.) None of the above

5. Residents of Brimfield, Mass., site of a tornado on June 1, 2011, have decided to rename their town:

     a.) Mineral
     b.) Brimstone
     c.) Grimfield
     d.) None of the above


6. Starting in 2012, health insurance will be required to cover women's expenses for:

     a.) Birth control
     b.) Getting pregnant
     c.) Getting married with church wedding and dinner reception
     d.) None of the above

7. Ex-NBA player Javaris Crittenton surrendered to police after being sought for:

     a.) Homicide
     b.) Unflattering tattoo of Commissioner David Stern
     c.) Outstanding fines for flagrant fouls
     d.) None of the above

8. New anti-bullying school curricula stress:

     a.) Bystanders share responsibility
     b.) Not picking your nose in public
     c.) Knife-throwing skills
     d.) None of the above

9. Experts compare the country's economy to:

     a.) A half-full glass
     b.) A half-empty glass made in China
     c.) A broken, half-empty glass made in China and laden with toxic germs
     d.) None of the above

10. NATO stands for:

     a.) North Atlantic Treaty Organization
     b.) Nations Attached To Oceans
     c.) Nations Against Terrorist Organizations
     d.) None Above The Of



Now, exchange papers and check your partner's.


0 correct answers: You are not living in reality and should check yourself into a mental health facility immediately.

1-2 correct answers: You are watching too much news on Fox Network.

3-5 correct answers: You try to keep up but are so busy it's hard at times.

6-7 correct answers: You are a good guesser.

8-9 correct answers: You are over-educated and/or unemployed.

10 correct answers: You cheated.



Hope you people do better next time! Projects due Friday!











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