Eye on Irene!

Evidence of our worst damage on the driveway. Notice the weeds in the cracks are thriving ....

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NOTE: If you want to read this in chronological order, start at the bottom .....

UPDATE: 10:00 p.m. Sunday -- I hope this is my adieu to Irene. It is still gusting with gusto outside, but our worst damage is shredded leaves and clusters of small twigs and branches in the yard and driveway.

I only hope Irene has treated my friends as gently as she has us ...

... In fact, our driveway is a notoriously difficult target. Just ask anyone who has ever backed out of it. The problem is its subtle curve. Imagine the challenge if your name is Irene and you are spinning counterclockwise. Even if you're not, if you back out with wheels straight, you will hit at least one of the vehicles parked there. If you turn your wheels, you will hit at least one of the vehicles parked there. Your only hope is to use a combination maneuver which avoids the vehicles but runs over the landscaping, curb, and/or garbage cans ....

So really, Irene, if you meant to take out major population centers of the East Coast and my driveway, you failed on both counts ....



... One unexpected but pleasant consequence of the weekend: Husband is delighted and charmed by the mini-flashlight I bought and has been entertaining himself with it all weekend even though we never lost power.

This particular model, made by Energizer, features LED illumination powered by a single AA battery. Its appeal -- beyond the fact it was one of the last left on the shelves on Thursday -- lies in its single AA battery. We usually spend a fortune on D's for an isolated situation, then the next time we need a flashlight they are all dead. In contrast, we use AA's by the gross, so theoretically we can always rob some other gadget for light if necessary.

I was also astute enough to buy a second, battery-free crank flashlight. It's chunkier, clunkier, and dimmer, but the next time one of the kids is looking for a flashlight, Husband will be able to offer them Cranky instead of  AA-LED. I am hoping this strategy will translate into hours if not days of further enjoyment for him, even though it is likely to be lost/buried somewhere when the next storm strikes ....

Whatever; now I know what to get him for Christmas ....


Adieu Irene! Hello sunny skies!







UPDATE: 3:15 p.m. Sunday -- As you can see from the photo, we were quite fortunate in not sustaining any damage nor losing power (yet). Irene tracked further west from us than I originally feared -- unfortunately for the western part of the state. However, it's probably best the state's east coast was spared the brunt of Irene's punch ....

The downpours have dwindled to a drizzle and the weather vane is behaving indecisively. Our rainfall total thus far is 6 inches. Reports of local and area power outages are sporadic. The worst we experienced was a few seconds of flickering lights.

The cat is deliberating venturing outside after being cooped up all day.

My thoughts and prayers go out to those less fortunate than us.



 UPDATE: 9:20 a.m. Sunday -- Irene has just been downgraded from a Cat 1 hurricane to a tropical storm -- as expected. At this time she is poised to visit NYC before chugging north towards us.

We have recorded over 3 inches of rain in the last 24 hours. Our neighbor's weather vane is pointing unequivocally east. We don't see that too often, and it always signals bad news here because it's the same direction as a nor'easter. The good news is it's not snow; the bad news -- to come .... I rely on another neighbor's flag to estimate wind speed, but this time of year our view is blocked by a maple tree ....

The cat is pestering to go outside. You gotta be kidding! One of those relentless red bands of rain is moving through right now. It looks like a moving wall that sometimes slants to 60 or even 45 degrees.

So we are soldiering on with a ceiling leak in one bathroom and a clogged toilet in another -- neither of which we can blame on Irene!


UPDATE: 4:16 p.m. Sat. -- Weather Channel correspondent talked about the possibility of Wall Street being underwater.

What a metaphor!


... First of the rain came and went. I've been washing all my vegetables so at least we can eat vegan if the power goes out ....

Ok, Irene is predicted to drop from a Cat 1 Hurricane to a Tropical Storm, but losing electricity is still a real possibility. I fear losing my gadgets ....

Saturday, Aug. 27, 2011, 1:15 p.m. 

SHREWSBURY, Mass. --  We are finishing our preparations before the rain starts ... It's a calm, humid 77 degrees here now, but the first band of showers is closing in on us. I have moved half of the 10,000 potential projectiles on our property indoors. I have moved 'That Big Old Oak Tree Out Back Will Hit The House If It Falls' to No. 9 on my Top 100 List Of Things Contributing To Insomnia .... More later as long as the power doesn't go out.

Here in progressive Shrewsbury, we have our own power company. In our neighborhood, utilities are underground. That's all great, but we still have no control over what happens farther up the grid ....

Doncha hate it when you have an earthquake and hurricane in the same week?












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Journey To The Center Of The Earthquake

Where were YOU when the quake hit? It would be fun to hear in the 'Comments' section.

I was hunched over my laptop up here on my favorite chair in the corner of the bedroom reading about the swiftly moving events in Libya .... Ok, I was watching David's 'Design Star' vlog .... I did notice the floor swaying silently for a few seconds shortly before 2 p.m. Since they are digging on our street, I assumed it was a reverberation from some of the equipment and didn't give it a second thought -- until 10 minutes later when the texts and calls came in.

A friend said that after the earthquake all her picture frames were crooked. Since mine were crooked before the earthquake, I'm thinking maybe I can blame the quake for the messy kitchen, laundry piling up, dirty windows and lack of food in the house. As my cousin said, 'It's not my fault.' .....

I may be experiencing a relapse of paranoia: Previous to this summer, tornadoes and earthquakes did not make my List Of Top 100 Things Contributing To Insomnia. Now I may have to revisit the list. I may also have to move up Water Damage From Hurricanes And Tropical Storms from its current position of No. 87 on the chart, since Hurricane Irene is barreling her way north and we haven't fixed the bathroom leak from last week's seven inches of rain .... Yes, No. 87 deserves a major bounce. I think I'll move it up to No. 14, displacing Visible Panty Line.

Also, up until now I discounted any risks associated with converting from heating oil to natural gas. That is why they are digging up our street. This is one situation where I am glad the commonwealth is so rigorously over-legislated. I'm certain it wants the risk of gas explosions to be smaller than tornadoes and earthquakes, right? ... Upon reflection, Ima move Gas Explosion up to the No. 53 spot, displacing That Big Old Oak Tree Out Back Will Hit The House If It Falls Over.

Anyway, we've got Rocket Scientist on the case. He sorely regrets not having enough vacation time to take a week off and watch the excavation progress. I just texted him that the crew had reached our front corner, and he asked which direction they were digging. Uh, down?? Like, towards the center of the earth?? ... Honestly, who (not in possession of a Y chromosome) cares?

... So the gas company's first step is to dig a trench for their line in the grass median separating the sidewalk from the street. Then it will add a line to our house. Then our contractor needs to dig a trench through the junk in our basement to our furnace. Then he can convert our burner, add a chimney liner (that's $1,800 literally up the chimney), and finally we wait around for the final connection.

We figure we can recoup our investment in less than three years. We also believe it will be a selling point for our house. We are hoping potential buyers will be more worried about tornadoes, earthquakes and hurricanes than a house heated by gas. We are hoping any aftershocks occur BEFORE the lines are connected. We are hoping the digging on our street did not exacerbate the quake or provoke any aftershocks. We are hoping our homeowner's insurance payments are up to date. We are a hopeful household.



... So I'm off to observe the excavation, possibly take some pictures and then report back to the Rocket Scientist. Maybe someone can help me with answers to the questions he will inevitably ask. Maybe I should make a video, or interview the crew's supervisor and then arrange a podcast with Rocket Scientist. Maybe he'll be distracted enough not to notice there's no dinner ....


Naaaaaaaah!







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Interview with a Blogger

I can sense when my public's about to clamor for a blogger interview .... Ok, the novel I just finished had an author interview and book group questions at the end. So to demonstrate how erudite I am, here's my first practice effort for a back-of-the-blog Q & A.

Picture a young reporter who insisted on remaining anonymous asking me the questions you assume I am way too busy to answer:



Q. Where did the name 'It's all (c)opyrighted' come from?

A. ... I was anxiously eager to get blogging when I signed up on blogspot. The first thing they ask you -- after your name, which I aced -- is 'What do you want to call your blog?' Now, I had never given any thought to a blog title, so 'It's all (c)opyrighted' was the first thing that popped into my head (after the James Franco fantasy). People have told me they like it, and in fact the first time I used the copyright symbol was on a ninth-grade English paper, so you could argue there's some history ....


Which reminds me: That gesture I just used when I said 'argue': the one with the palm-up closed fist that springs open -- that's copyrighted and trademarked but available for licensing. You should put that in your article.


Q. How close is your blog persona to the real you?

A. She is definitely a facet of my personality but in reality I'm younger, smarter, wittier and more attractive.

Q. Is she your alter ego?

A. One of them, anyway ....

Q. How many alter egos do you have?

A. Look, are you a reporter or a therapist? Because if you're a therapist maybe I could make an appointment ....

Q. No, my degree is in Journalism ....  How much of what you write is true and how much is made up?

A. Usually the post is inspired by a real event, then I just start writing and see where it takes me. I've started on themes that never went anywhere; they are sitting in my Drafts box. Which is getting quite drafty, but feels great in the summer especially after a hot flash.

Q. Okaaaaay .... Your writing has been described as paraprosdokian. Do you agree?

A. What, you mean that erudite word referring to a sentence which takes an unexpected and possibly humorous turn? You must have studied at some fancy-shmancy J-school to know that word at such a young age.

Q. I did my undergrad work at Columbia and then studied at Oxford.

A. So what are you doing interviewing ME?

Q. Actually, I'm on my way to Nantucket from here to cover the president's vacation.

A. Can I come too?

Q. ... Your writing has been described as paraprosdokian. Do you agree?

A. ... [Pause] I'm trying to think of a response that would qualify as a paraprosdokian. Maybe I could e-mail you one before your deadline.

Q. What does your family think of your blogging venture?

A. The cat's Ok with it, obviously, or we'd all be suffering. In our household, silence equals approbation, so I guess everyone loves it.

Q. What does the future hold for your blog? Any plans?

A. Plans? What's that?? Look, the well-being of my family is my primary concern. Beyond that, if I can bring a smile to someone's face, I am fulfilled at least temporarily until the next opportunity.


Q. I think I have everything I need here. Thanks!

A. You mean it's over? I never got to mention --

Q. I really must be heading out ....

A. Fine, but gimme your email address so I can send you a paraprosdokian answer. I'm thinking of something along the lines of 'that's about as close as I'll ever get to Kim Kardashian' .... Wait! Isn't a photographer coming? I just had my hair done ....

Could you at least wait so I can give you a copy of my blog to pass along to the president?

Come baaaaaack!







... I think that went well, don't you?













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Road Trip Postscript

While on the interstate, I discovered, invented, copyrighted, trademarked, and made available for licensing an empowering response when someone flips you the bird even though you did nothing wrong and were two lanes away:

You make the universal 'loser' sign with your hand on your forehead, then point at the offender.

Repeat until your point gets across.

Then duck.










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Channeling Curt Cobain At Musikfest

A mural along Monocacy Creek

... I really need a nap after driving over 300 miles, but if I close my eyes now, I will see a highway projected on the inside of my eyelids -- or worse, that huge white semi that didn't seem to have a driver barreling down on me in the rear-view mirror  ....

I should probably stare at the ocean for a long weekend minimum but the best I can manage is our computer wallpaper of Hawk's Nest Beach on St. John .... Ahh, that's better ....




... Came back from Musikfest with a mild case of paranoia:

     MUSIKFEST 2009: Flat tire
     MUSIKFEST 2010: Towed
     MUSIKFEST 2011: Rear-ended (no damage or casualties); also, that huge white semi barreling down on me that didn't seem to have a driver

Look, I'd like to return next year, but hesitate to drive .... Ok, I'm completely rattled and flat-out refuse .... Mass transit is problematic. But at least I've got a year to line up a chauffeur ... Private jet would be nice too ....


... Got a theory on where I picked up the paranoia. Ok, I did use the Port-a-potty, but they had hand sanitizer.

Instead, I'm thinking it's residual Moravian energy. Recall they were protestants who pre-dated Luther. They had to take their religion underground, so there was a good reason to be paranoid: one slip and they could be burned at the stake. Also, they lived communally. Think of all that paranoia packed into tight spaces over centuries.  Powerful stuff -- especially if the paranoia started in-breeding ....

'Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you,' right Curt? Alas, you would have loved Musikfest ... The scope of music offered would have excited you. Where would you have started? A folk singer at Liederplatz? A jazz band? A guitar/balalaika duo? Chamber orchestra? You would have been a kid in a candy shop. No one leaves Musikfest uninspired -- as long as you don't catch any of that paranoia that evidently was making the rounds ....

Or maybe I'm over-reacting when you consider all the travelers coming from Boston in the last 300 years who broke a wagon wheel on the way to Bethlehem or Philadelphia. Wonder if they had a AAA equivalent, like the CCC, Colonial Conveyance Cooperative or something.

Look, I'm sure horse & carriages got towed in town countless times over the centuries for parking illegally or not feeding the meter or hay trough or whatever. And no doubt horses rear-ended each other frequently since they don't have brake lights ....


...  Sooo, Nevermind, right Curt?

.....

.....


Here's a suggestion for improving exit signs: Why don't they tell you how many exits there are total? Like Exit 15 of 72. That way you know how many more til you cross the state line or the highway ends. That would be useful and diverting information for bored solo drivers who can't listen to music because then they can't hear the GPS lady because they left the mounting unit at home so they can't see the screen, which is gyrating wildly on the center console with every bump and is totally useless ....

Here's a valuable traffic tip: DON'T drive west on the Mass. Turnpike on summer weekends. That is because the entire Commonwealth of Massachusetts evacuates heading west on the Mass. Turnpike (except us). Unfortunately, an equal number of the populations of Connecticut, New York and New Jersey also enter the state, so it doesn't appear deserted (although I don't know where they go since we're the only ones home and they don't come here) ....

Also, if you are eating half-melted chocolate while driving and need to stop for gas, DO look in the mirror before you get out and pump and start blabbing away with the senior behind you about what a glorious day it is and then peremptorily concluding he has no business driving judging by the look on his face ....




Here is a link to Musikfest; it happens every summer in Bethlehem, Pa. Hope to see you there next year; maybe I could catch a ride with you -- especially if you have your own jet ....


www.musikfest.org





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Think Christmas, Act NOW!

... Yes, folks, it's never too early to start having an anxiety attack over Christmas: Why we have to have it here every year, The Menu, who's on the invite list, whom to blame when things screw up, and of course the gifts.

Ok, I may be brilliant and amazing, but I don't have much talent when it comes to choosing gifts. Just like you, judging from the gossip in past years ....


However, this year will be different since I'm giving all my loved ones their very own, personally autographed, unbound copy of 'It's all (c)opyrighted.'

And NOW, so can you.


All you have to do is contact me NOW and tell me how much you are willing to pay. Don't forget to add on postage.


Included are at least 20 published posts, plus later ones to be mailed at no extra charge up until The Big Holiday.

You get posts in honor of Mother's Day, Christmas (to come), plus the crowd-polarizing 'Top 10 List Of Things Sarah Palin Could Do Instead Of Run For President.'

Dead-animal lovers all over the globe will cherish 'The Cat's Obit.' Drivers everywhere can vicariously relive the experience of a visit to the Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles. Who wouldn't want that? And who could forget the immortal homage to Shakespeare, 'Tattoo Be Or Not Tattoo Be?'


And as an extra-value additional added gift bonus, we'll even throw in this post you're reading right NOW -- ABSOLUTELY FREE!


Just imagine the look on your loved ones' faces when they open up their very own, personally autographed, unbound copy of 'It's all (c)opyrighted.' The memory will last forever.

Picture Great Aunt Priscilla's pursed lips when she reads 'The *uck It List.' It ought to shut her up at least through the entree course.

Or Creepy Cousin Clive, literally devouring the "You May Be Living With A Rocket Scientist IF ...' post. I'm talking furtively tearing off the page corners, rolling them into tiny balls and eating them. Delicious!

....

It's a natural pairing, a new tradition: candy canes & mistletoe, pine cones & holly berries, Christmas glog & Pat's blog ....

Still not convinced? What if I threw in instructions on how to fold the pages into an origami copyright symbol? Makes a great stocking stuffer -- the kids will love it; educational too.

Ok, what if I threw in a recipe for glog?


Look, wouldn't you rather have all the gift-choosing angst disappear so you can save that last Klonopin for 10 minutes before your guests arrive when the tree falls into the fire because the Lionel Express crashed into it after being ambushed by the cat?

Or wouldn't you like to skip the loser feeling on the 10:30 p.m. trip home from the mall Christmas Eve as you try to congratulate yourself for scooping up the perfect gift for Honeybuns that was only 700 percent over budget?


What, you need more time to decide? Fine, but you really should act NOW because there are only 141 days left before Christmas AND COUNTING ....



The operator is standing by NOW, but she's going to have to start fixing dinner soon, so HURRY! ACT NOW! NOW!

NOW!

Ask NOW about foreign language, audio and Braille editions. Large print too.

Ten percent discount on quantities of 20 or more. Supplies are unlimited ....


NOW!

NOW!

NOW!







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