A Woman's Game

Look, I like sports. But let's face it, a sport is a competitive athletic activity invented by men. Whether it's Abner Doubleday, Alexander Cartwright, James Naismith, William Webb Ellis or a bunch of street kids, the creators of modern sports all used the male honorific, which means the games are profoundly influenced by gender:

Hitting balls with a stick. Kicking balls. Throwing balls, with or without sticks. Hitting, kicking and throwing men, with or without sticks. Throwing sticks, with or without men or balls.

... Somehow, I don't see a woman coming up with these same sporting concepts.

... So, is wondering what kind of sport a woman might invent keeping you up at night too?

... Ok, first, I doubt sports created by chicks would be tests of physical strength and speed. They would be more subtle, perhaps with multiple winners.

They would have to include lots of talking. The rules would probably be wicked complicated too so the know-it-all girl has something to do. Perhaps there would be more referees than players. Lots of multi-tasking, too ....

It might involve one or more lightweight round spheres like balloons to balance and pass around and try NOT to hit or kick or throw or even yell at, all without working up a sweat that smells the worst.

Or, since women excel at endurance, I can imagine a sport where they have to cover long distances, probably carrying things on their backs, head, arms, hands, and/or hips. Possibly in high heels.

Or a competition involving chocolate -- either chasing after it or trying to keep opponents away from it.

I personally don't see sticks in the rulebook at all. Possibly a rule prohibiting any stick from coming anywhere near the game ....



There would probably be a time limit so everyone could go get dinner, plus frequent time-outs for bathroom breaks. Competitions might be set to music, with candlelight for night games.

It may involve vocabulary such as path, self-realization, honors, promotion, sacrifice, rewards, partner, please, thank-you, and retail therapy. It definitely would include a prize.

Sorry, boys, no shirts versus skins. Players wear whatever they want in whatever color or style they choose. No number on your back, either: you are identified by your game skills, jewelry, and hair.

Of course free child-care, health care and tuition reimbursement are offered to fans, referees, staff and players. Practices and game times revolve around staying in shape and accommodating another career or outside interests. Employers match employees' 401(k) contributions. 



... Look, I may have the requisite chromosomes, but I'm no sports philosopher/historian/sociologist/doctor/women's studies expert. However, I think I've come up with a couple usable parameters. So if a sister out there wants to, er, take the ball and run with it, I'm ready to sign up just for the perks as long as my intellectual property is protected. It all sounds like great fun (except the high heels part) ....

Plus I need to win something so I can cross that off my *uck It List ....



ATTENTION, CHICKIES: WOULD SOMEONE KINDLY REMOVE THAT NASTY STICK FROM THE PATH SO WE CAN GET STARTED? THANKS, DARLINGS; NOW PLAY NICE AND DON'T FORGET TO CALL YOUR MOTHER AFTER THE GAME ....







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