The *uck It List

Ok,  I decided to use the F-leaf in the headline because I don't want to get on the wrong side of any Mothers With Scruples group. Folks who know me realize that I'm all in favor of a judiciously placed F-bomb for emphasis. Generally, though, I believe reliance on profanity as an adjectival modifier indicates a verbal laziness, a lack of effort and creativity. Like the word 'very.' I had to tell students not to use that word. What a waste of an adverb ....

... So what was the topic? Yes, The List. Unlike you, I don't have a Bucket List; I have a Fuck It List, as in, fuck it, Ima do this!

Wanna know what it is???


The first thing I can think of is See The Aurora Borealis (right after Spell Checker learns how to spell it ...). However, seeing the, er, Northern Lights presents a problem since I can only survive in an environment maintained between 60 and 85 degrees F, with a humidity level between 50 and 75 percent, a barometric pressure range of 28.8 - 29.7 in. Hg., and Dew Point below 55.  It's either that or this plum turns into a prune with achy knees and bad cuticles ....

So it looks like the auroras may have to come to me .....


2. Paris. This should have happened several times but the stars (or auroras) never aligned. However, it may win the 'Most Likely To Succeed' award since I have a big wedding anniversary coming up.

3. Karaoke. Believe it or not, I have NEVER done karaoke. I've gotten close twice, but the units broke. At least, they told me they broke. Twice. I'm wondering now whether this is part of a conspiracy, even though I have a lovely voice as long as the song sticks to the bottom third of the alto range.

Ok, the only song I can actually sing is 'Smooth Operator,' but I've already memorized the lyrics .....



4. Learn to Dance. Sure, I have a couple of copyrighted, trademarked, and for-license moves but I have no idea how to waltz or even polka. Once at a wedding I was paired with a professional dancer who a few years later, sadly, committed suicide. I'm not convinced the two weren't related ....

I wouldn't want to put the dance instructor population in jeopardy, but maybe I could find one who is really old or has a terminal disease and a positive attitude .....


5. Win something. The only thing I've ever won is Husband's heart. I know that's a major biggie, and I guess there was the yellow plastic loving cup/pencil sharpener in Mrs. Bell's second-grade class spelling bee, but that broke a long time ago (the sharpener, not Husband's heart) so I'm feeling overdue now that I think about it.

There must be plenty of awards or prizes out there where you don't actually have to do anything to win them. I think I qualify for one of those .....




...  Upon reviewing my list, it doesn't look particularly outrageous or daring, like blasting into space. (Which no doubt would be on Husband's list if he had one. Wait: You're in a climate-controlled environment. Are the Auroras visible from space? What about Paris?)

If I hijack this item I have created for Husband's list, then we'll both have something extraordinary on our lists. In fact, if I add this to my list, I could cross off even more items. I bet I could perform some waltz and fox trot steps in zero gravity, and if NASA can send humans into orbit, surely it can pack a karaoke machine that won't break, right? 

And don't they usually give awards to astronauts?



... I would definitely add this to my list if there's any chance at all I could get on board some space flight. I could be really useful: I'm a good listener, so I could probably do Lt. Uhuru's job. I could also  rehydrate the space food, eject the space trash, and wash and iron the spacesuits.


... So don't be so quick to cross my list off your list. Don't be so smug and sure that maybe my list didn't even make your list.

Anyway, Honey Badger don't care; Honey Badger don't give a shit. Because it's not about comparing lists, or even crossing things off, it's also about adding new things. I can't be expected to adhere to a list, right?  I just want to welcome new experiences that come my way. I guess it's a living list, always being revised, until you get to the last one:


6. Live by a beach with a temperature range between 60 and 85 degrees F,  a humidity level between 50 and 75 percent, barometric pressure in the range of 28.8 - 29.7 in. Hg., and Dew Point below 55.


I have read study results reporting the most effective way to de-stress is to stare at the ocean. I tried it and it works so that's my goal.





After that, I'm not sure much else will matter .......




' ... Throw my bones into the ocean --
Waving, not drowning, motion ....'**





**Excerpted from 'Burbland,' from 'The Best of All the Bad Poetry I Ever Wrote,' by PR Gasdaska (c)2007, many thanks to the author for her permission ....






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