Pomp & Circumstance

This is the commencement address I would like to give to your graduating class. You supply the circumstance, I supply the pomp, Ok?

My rates are very reasonable, and you even get this advance copy of my remarks (commemorative autographed versions are also available):



                          The Only 10 Words of Advice That You Need To Know
                        In Order To Succeed In The World (By Pat Gasdaska)


Thanks to the administration, faculty, and students of [your school name here] for inviting me to speak to you [today/this evening]. It's a real thrill for me, seeing as how I may never win a Nobel Prize ....

I know you graduates have been tuning out a lot of great advice this [afternoon/evening], but you really need to PAY ATTENTION NOW to mine, because it's the best, and it's only 10 words long -- for you math majors, that's 55 percent shorter than the title of my speech! -- and therefore easy to memorize.

Also there will be an oral quiz at the end.


[optional throat-clearing opportunity here]

The Only 10 Words Of Advice That You Need To Know In Order To Succeed In The World. I call them 'The Only 10.'

First two words: BE TOLERANT. ... Most of you are barely old enough to have walked a mile in your own shoes, let alone someone else's -- unless you are a girl with sisters and that doesn't count because they were probably some fancy stilettos and you only walked a couple hundred feet total in them anyway ....

Ok, the point is that no one is as perfect as YOU, so cut the rest of us some slack. Be tolerant. Don't be judgmental -- unless, of course, you become a judge ....


Next three words: HEED YOUR ELDERS.  Now, I'm not saying you should do absolutely everything they tell you. I mean listen to -- not dismiss -- what they have to say. Many of you have parents whose combined life experience approaches or even exceeds 100 years. That's a CENTURY of trial and error, knowledge, and experience! If you're so smart at your age, what does that make them? Ever think of that? You would have if you were their age .... Still if not convinced? Hang around for 30 years and then tell me whether I'm right ....

Also, when following the three words HEED YOUR ELDERS, refer back to the first two, which to review, are BE TOLERANT.


The final five: WRITE YOUR THANK-YOU NOTES. Let's face it, everyone LOVES to be thanked -- even the undeserving. But in your case, if YOU shelled out a couple hundred dollars to send to a graduate, you'd want to know if they received it, right? Also, do you want to stand out as the one who wrote a nice thank-you note, or the one who didn't bother? Finally, if thank-you's aren't important, why does every single speaker either begin or end their remarks with those two little words?





So that's 'The Only 10': Be Tolerant. Heed Your Elders. Write Your Thank-You Notes. Follow 'The Only 10' and you are sure to succeed once you walk out of this [room/tent].


And when you are holding that brass ring in your hand, remember that 'Pat' [gesture to self] is actually a contraction for 'Partial Credit.' So, whether via Twitter, text, Skype, phone, email, U.S. Postal Service, or some other fancy communications gadget that one of you invents, let me -- and everyone else you've ever met in your life -- know how much I inspired you [today/this evening] and how grateful you are.


... And I didn't really mean the part about the quiz, I just wanted everyone to stay awake ....


Congratulations, graduates! Woo hoo! Best of Luck! Great job, parents! Thank you ....





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