... Last night I ate a Snyder's pretzel. This morning, I made a download and when I checked it out, it was twisted in the exact shape of a pretzel ....
Coincidence??????
Talent?????
Haven't planned tonight's menu, but am thinking of starfruit .....
You don't need to pass this one along but remember 'It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The Cat's Obit (He's Fine, This Is Just for The File)
... This morning when I stepped outside, I immediately noticed a dead mousy-wouse in front of the grill, courtesy of Boomer The Cat. I guess he saw me cooking burgers last night and wanted his done medium-rare ....
Then I got distracted in the garden and must have accidentally stepped on mouse, because when I looked back, it was convulsing and its guts were oozing out and it was all really gross.
Since I didn't know that mouse well, I decided to compose an obituary (com-post an o-blog-uary?) for the cat instead. He's middle-aged and healthy, but you gotta be ready for the inevitable and have pieces like this on file ....
Boomer was born in unknown but humble circumstances in Pennsylvania in April 2002 and was given to Husband's parents by H's veterinarian cousin. He was named by Mother-in-Law, who suffered from Alzheimer's and may have thought he was her childhood pet, Boomer The Dog. This turned out Ok, though, since he never barked nor showed any signs of identity confusion ....
I usually shorten his name to Boo, since I don't want folks to think I'm either totally without imagination or into psychedelic mushrooms ....
Boo hates being photographed, and whenever I try he gives me the Evil Eye Death Stare Glare, which is not a flattering look for him, which he knows I know and will therefore just give up. I did capture this shot one wicked hot afternoon when he reluctantly dragged himself inside and collapsed on the floor in uncharacteristically dramatic fashion. I think he was too hot to protest when I pulled out the camera ....
He was neutered, and remained indoors during his first few months of life, but eventually escaped Outside and decided he needed to go there regularly and kill things occasionally in order to be fulfilled. This is amazing considering he has a handicap: no lower canine fangs, only uppers -- don't know how many critters he has gummed to death at this point ....
He came to live with us in 2004 after In-Laws passed away. He quickly perceived that I was intelligent enough to communicate with him; thus began a rich, lasting relationship in which he tells me what he wants and I get it for him. And vice versa.
People who come to my house wonder why we have a ceramic pitcher filled with water on the floor next to the six varieties of cat food. No, it is not one of Husband's rocket science experiments. (You can tell because the pitcher doesn't have any gauges sticking out of it.) It's because Boo indicated he wanted to drink out of a tall vessel like a watering can or pitcher. So why shouldn't he?
... When I was a child, I insisted on wearing my burgundy leather cowgirl skirt with fringe and matching cuffs every single day one year, and my mom indulged me (it cut down on laundry by 20 percent). So if Boo wants to drink from a pitcher like a civilized cat, or even chow down on his Fancy Feast Shredded Turkey Fare with chopsticks, who am I to say no?
Boo knows two languages: English and Cat. He also knows some Cat dialects: Meow and Merp and Squeak and maybe more which I can't recognize. He can also read my mind.
Ok, Boomer has power over me.
I am irresistibly drawn to his adorable, fluffy softness, and whisper secret wishes into his ear which he grants as soon as circumstances allow. He has to be discreet ....
Boo is exceptionally smart, patient and also considerate. He picked up early on that we admire his soft, clean, fluffy coat. He grooms himself in private until he is as clean and soft as a newborn kitten, then makes himself available for petting. We appreciate that. We don't know where he's been.
Boo's career includes years of security work patrolling the perimeter of the property and dispatching vermin. He also took up gardening in recent years -- most notably pruning the catnip. Some of Boo's hobbies are tormenting chipmunks, snagging fowl-looking toys while hiding behind chair legs, and avoiding people who visit us. His favorite past-time is sneaking up and scaring the crap out of you. That's proof right there he knows his nickname ....
He also excels at giving emotional support and enjoys being part of the family.
Many humans would like to be his friend; few have succeeded. So although when he does croak it may not be SRO at his funeral, I'll be too distraught/sedated to even notice/care (although flowers would be a nice gesture).
I don't know what I will do should our powerful witch-and-familiar bond break. Because it is a two-way street. A symbiotic relationship where I am the rhino and Boo is the bird picking insects off my back. Actually, I'd rather not be the rhino, so maybe Boo could be the rhino while I am the bird. Although that might make Boo the witch and me the familiar ....
Not sure, and about to have an identity crisis, but it's Boo's funeral so to wrap up the premature eulogy:
Boo delivers. Ideally, Boo and I will both have long, equal lifespans. Barring that, I hope our bond will last beyond life.
Otherwise, if I'm left behind I'm afraid I might be easy pickings for all the warlocks and vampires out there cruising for some grief-distracted human to be their new familiar -- in which case that mouse might be looking a bit more appetizing ....
Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwww .....
Meowwwwwwwwwww .....
I'm so confused .....
Pass it along, and remember it's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The *uck It List
Ok, I decided to use the F-leaf in the headline because I don't want to get on the wrong side of any Mothers With Scruples group. Folks who know me realize that I'm all in favor of a judiciously placed F-bomb for emphasis. Generally, though, I believe reliance on profanity as an adjectival modifier indicates a verbal laziness, a lack of effort and creativity. Like the word 'very.' I had to tell students not to use that word. What a waste of an adverb ....
... So what was the topic? Yes, The List. Unlike you, I don't have a Bucket List; I have a Fuck It List, as in, fuck it, Ima do this!
Wanna know what it is???
The first thing I can think of is See The Aurora Borealis (right after Spell Checker learns how to spell it ...). However, seeing the, er, Northern Lights presents a problem since I can only survive in an environment maintained between 60 and 85 degrees F, with a humidity level between 50 and 75 percent, a barometric pressure range of 28.8 - 29.7 in. Hg., and Dew Point below 55. It's either that or this plum turns into a prune with achy knees and bad cuticles ....
So it looks like the auroras may have to come to me .....
2. Paris. This should have happened several times but the stars (or auroras) never aligned. However, it may win the 'Most Likely To Succeed' award since I have a big wedding anniversary coming up.
3. Karaoke. Believe it or not, I have NEVER done karaoke. I've gotten close twice, but the units broke. At least, they told me they broke. Twice. I'm wondering now whether this is part of a conspiracy, even though I have a lovely voice as long as the song sticks to the bottom third of the alto range.
Ok, the only song I can actually sing is 'Smooth Operator,' but I've already memorized the lyrics .....
4. Learn to Dance. Sure, I have a couple of copyrighted, trademarked, and for-license moves but I have no idea how to waltz or even polka. Once at a wedding I was paired with a professional dancer who a few years later, sadly, committed suicide. I'm not convinced the two weren't related ....
I wouldn't want to put the dance instructor population in jeopardy, but maybe I could find one who is really old or has a terminal disease and a positive attitude .....
5. Win something. The only thing I've ever won is Husband's heart. I know that's a major biggie, and I guess there was the yellow plastic loving cup/pencil sharpener in Mrs. Bell's second-grade class spelling bee, but that broke a long time ago (the sharpener, not Husband's heart) so I'm feeling overdue now that I think about it.
There must be plenty of awards or prizes out there where you don't actually have to do anything to win them. I think I qualify for one of those .....
... Upon reviewing my list, it doesn't look particularly outrageous or daring, like blasting into space. (Which no doubt would be on Husband's list if he had one. Wait: You're in a climate-controlled environment. Are the Auroras visible from space? What about Paris?)
If I hijack this item I have created for Husband's list, then we'll both have something extraordinary on our lists. In fact, if I add this to my list, I could cross off even more items. I bet I could perform some waltz and fox trot steps in zero gravity, and if NASA can send humans into orbit, surely it can pack a karaoke machine that won't break, right?
And don't they usually give awards to astronauts?
... I would definitely add this to my list if there's any chance at all I could get on board some space flight. I could be really useful: I'm a good listener, so I could probably do Lt. Uhuru's job. I could also rehydrate the space food, eject the space trash, and wash and iron the spacesuits.
... So don't be so quick to cross my list off your list. Don't be so smug and sure that maybe my list didn't even make your list.
Anyway, Honey Badger don't care; Honey Badger don't give a shit. Because it's not about comparing lists, or even crossing things off, it's also about adding new things. I can't be expected to adhere to a list, right? I just want to welcome new experiences that come my way. I guess it's a living list, always being revised, until you get to the last one:
6. Live by a beach with a temperature range between 60 and 85 degrees F, a humidity level between 50 and 75 percent, barometric pressure in the range of 28.8 - 29.7 in. Hg., and Dew Point below 55.
I have read study results reporting the most effective way to de-stress is to stare at the ocean. I tried it and it works so that's my goal.
After that, I'm not sure much else will matter .......
' ... Throw my bones into the ocean --
Waving, not drowning, motion ....'**
**Excerpted from 'Burbland,' from 'The Best of All the Bad Poetry I Ever Wrote,' by PR Gasdaska (c)2007, many thanks to the author for her permission ....
Pass it along and remember it's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
... So what was the topic? Yes, The List. Unlike you, I don't have a Bucket List; I have a Fuck It List, as in, fuck it, Ima do this!
Wanna know what it is???
The first thing I can think of is See The Aurora Borealis (right after Spell Checker learns how to spell it ...). However, seeing the, er, Northern Lights presents a problem since I can only survive in an environment maintained between 60 and 85 degrees F, with a humidity level between 50 and 75 percent, a barometric pressure range of 28.8 - 29.7 in. Hg., and Dew Point below 55. It's either that or this plum turns into a prune with achy knees and bad cuticles ....
So it looks like the auroras may have to come to me .....
2. Paris. This should have happened several times but the stars (or auroras) never aligned. However, it may win the 'Most Likely To Succeed' award since I have a big wedding anniversary coming up.
3. Karaoke. Believe it or not, I have NEVER done karaoke. I've gotten close twice, but the units broke. At least, they told me they broke. Twice. I'm wondering now whether this is part of a conspiracy, even though I have a lovely voice as long as the song sticks to the bottom third of the alto range.
Ok, the only song I can actually sing is 'Smooth Operator,' but I've already memorized the lyrics .....
4. Learn to Dance. Sure, I have a couple of copyrighted, trademarked, and for-license moves but I have no idea how to waltz or even polka. Once at a wedding I was paired with a professional dancer who a few years later, sadly, committed suicide. I'm not convinced the two weren't related ....
I wouldn't want to put the dance instructor population in jeopardy, but maybe I could find one who is really old or has a terminal disease and a positive attitude .....
5. Win something. The only thing I've ever won is Husband's heart. I know that's a major biggie, and I guess there was the yellow plastic loving cup/pencil sharpener in Mrs. Bell's second-grade class spelling bee, but that broke a long time ago (the sharpener, not Husband's heart) so I'm feeling overdue now that I think about it.
There must be plenty of awards or prizes out there where you don't actually have to do anything to win them. I think I qualify for one of those .....
... Upon reviewing my list, it doesn't look particularly outrageous or daring, like blasting into space. (Which no doubt would be on Husband's list if he had one. Wait: You're in a climate-controlled environment. Are the Auroras visible from space? What about Paris?)
If I hijack this item I have created for Husband's list, then we'll both have something extraordinary on our lists. In fact, if I add this to my list, I could cross off even more items. I bet I could perform some waltz and fox trot steps in zero gravity, and if NASA can send humans into orbit, surely it can pack a karaoke machine that won't break, right?
And don't they usually give awards to astronauts?
... I would definitely add this to my list if there's any chance at all I could get on board some space flight. I could be really useful: I'm a good listener, so I could probably do Lt. Uhuru's job. I could also rehydrate the space food, eject the space trash, and wash and iron the spacesuits.
... So don't be so quick to cross my list off your list. Don't be so smug and sure that maybe my list didn't even make your list.
Anyway, Honey Badger don't care; Honey Badger don't give a shit. Because it's not about comparing lists, or even crossing things off, it's also about adding new things. I can't be expected to adhere to a list, right? I just want to welcome new experiences that come my way. I guess it's a living list, always being revised, until you get to the last one:
6. Live by a beach with a temperature range between 60 and 85 degrees F, a humidity level between 50 and 75 percent, barometric pressure in the range of 28.8 - 29.7 in. Hg., and Dew Point below 55.
I have read study results reporting the most effective way to de-stress is to stare at the ocean. I tried it and it works so that's my goal.
After that, I'm not sure much else will matter .......
' ... Throw my bones into the ocean --
Waving, not drowning, motion ....'**
**Excerpted from 'Burbland,' from 'The Best of All the Bad Poetry I Ever Wrote,' by PR Gasdaska (c)2007, many thanks to the author for her permission ....
Pass it along and remember it's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
Saturday, June 11, 2011
'Worst Sore Throat Ever'
It's time for a serious post -- no kidding -- to celebrate the three-year anniversary of No. 2 Son's recovery from Lemierre's Syndrome.
And to educate folks about what is also known as 'The Forgotten Disease.'
Think 'House' episode, not organ recital.
If you've never heard of Lemierre's (pronounced la-MEERS), you have lots of company. When N2S was admitted to the ER, then the floor, then the ICU, then was operated on and intubated, until he was finally diagnosed, no one in the hospital except one gifted infectious disease specialist (played by Hugh Laurie) had ever heard of the disease, let alone treated it.
Family members are familiar with the script: N2S (played by James Franco) had his wisdom teeth removed in mid-May of 2008. Two weeks later, he returned early from a weekend music festival, complaining of 'the worst sore throat ever.' His doctor (played by Katherine Heigl) ran tests for strep and mono, telling him to return if he didn't improve in a week's time.
A week later he was back at the doctor's office complaining that it hurt to breathe. The strep and mono tests had returned negative, so the concerned physician called an ambulance. Thirty-six hours later N2S was in ICU attached to a ventilator and in septic shock as the staff scrambled to figure out what was going on.
Husband and I (played, respectively, by Colin Firth and Angelina Jolie) got the dreaded 2 a.m. hospital call only an hour after we had left the building. When we returned, N2S's medical team plopped a folding chair in the middle of an empty room, sat me down, and explained that an ENT surgeon (played by Russell Crowe) was trying to drain an abscess found behind his right tonsil, which explained the sore and swollen throat.
Meanwhile, they had identified the infection as anaerobic bacteria and had switched to an appropriate antibiotic IV. However, he was in sepsis. They dodged the question of what my son's survival chances were with 'We'll have to wait and see. He's young and strong so he has that going for him.' I clung to the one piece of good news -- the infection was bacterial, not viral, and therefore in my mind anyway, more treatable.
Later that morning brought good news and bad: The ID specialist had diagnosed N2S with Lemierre's. The breakthrough diagnosis (music by Hans Zimmer) was confirmed when he observed starbursts of red pinpoints on N2S's extremities -- a signature symptom -- indicating ruptured capillaries near the surface. The bad news: An ultrasound showed a blood clot in his jugular, another telltale sign of the disease.
That day and the next were the worst in my entire life: watching his vitals on the monitor hour after hour, making sure he was warm enough/cool enough (love those air-conditioner blankets), whispering words of encouragement that I didn't know whether he even heard. I told him silly things, ranging from calling his new IV cocktail 'the Sparta 300' of meds, to how he has beautiful hands and could probably find work as a hand model (additional dialogue by Carrie Fisher). Once he was stable enough, his ENT surgeon's second attempt to drain the abscess succeeded while the course of antibiotics slowly killed off the bacteria.
We got the Hollywood ending: N2S beat the disease and was discharged after two weeks. His home therapy included IV, injected and oral meds for up to six months afterward. From the time he had his wisdom teeth extracted, he had lost a quarter of his body weight and looked like a skull on sticks (now played by a shorn Shenae Grimes).
I relate all this hoping to increase awareness of Lemierre's Syndrome. It is so rare only about 120 cases have been documented worldwide in the past 100 years -- small wonder the hospital staff were initially stumped.
The disease can manifest itself in different ways and is making a comeback. One case, documented on TLC's 'Mystery Diagnosis,' involved a college freshman undergoing two brain surgeries to remove abscesses (she made a full recovery). Another teen, featured in the September 9, 2008 issue of 'The New York Times'' Sunday magazine, wasn't so lucky.
Since the bacteria responsible for Lemierre's are anaerobic (fusobacterium necrophorum), they need to burrow deep inside tissue to survive (special effects by Pixar Animation Studios). Evidently, the throat offers an ideal environment: warm, wet, dark, thick. It's their toehold to a throathold, spreading and creating havoc throughout the body which if left unchecked will shut down all systems -- permanently.
BUT IT ALWAYS STARTS WITH THE WORST SORE THROAT EVER.
Please humor me. Please insist your doctor test before prescribing antibiotics, especially after conditions or treatment involving teeth, mouth and throat. BOLO for abscesses in such cases. Strep-busting meds won't kill Lemierre's, and by the time you find out, it may be too late. Many of its victims are otherwise healthy young adults.
I cannot imagine anything worse than losing a child. I feel fortunate to live in a region with some of the best medical minds and facilities in the world. But I worry about other promising young adults around the globe (played by the cast of 'Glee') confidently going off to college and dismissing a sore throat with, 'it's just a bad cold, I've been under a lot of stress.'
This is real life and death, not televised fiction.
To all you husbands, wives, parents, aunts, uncles, siblings and orphans: The phrase 'worst sore throat ever' should sound an alarm in your head to seek medical treatment. Please help spread the word about Lemierre's so that it will not silence the ones we love.
For more fascinating information:
Wikipedia, 'Lemierre's Syndrome'
Diagnosis: The Way We Live Now: The Strep Throat That Wasn't. 'The New York Times' Sunday magazine, Sept. 9, 2008
'Mystery Diagnosis: Lemierre's Disease,' TLC Channel (accessible on YouTube)
Ok, this post turned out to be a blend of 'House' and organ recital, so let's just call it a house organ ....
Pass it along, and remember, it's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
And to educate folks about what is also known as 'The Forgotten Disease.'
Think 'House' episode, not organ recital.
If you've never heard of Lemierre's (pronounced la-MEERS), you have lots of company. When N2S was admitted to the ER, then the floor, then the ICU, then was operated on and intubated, until he was finally diagnosed, no one in the hospital except one gifted infectious disease specialist (played by Hugh Laurie) had ever heard of the disease, let alone treated it.
Family members are familiar with the script: N2S (played by James Franco) had his wisdom teeth removed in mid-May of 2008. Two weeks later, he returned early from a weekend music festival, complaining of 'the worst sore throat ever.' His doctor (played by Katherine Heigl) ran tests for strep and mono, telling him to return if he didn't improve in a week's time.
A week later he was back at the doctor's office complaining that it hurt to breathe. The strep and mono tests had returned negative, so the concerned physician called an ambulance. Thirty-six hours later N2S was in ICU attached to a ventilator and in septic shock as the staff scrambled to figure out what was going on.
Husband and I (played, respectively, by Colin Firth and Angelina Jolie) got the dreaded 2 a.m. hospital call only an hour after we had left the building. When we returned, N2S's medical team plopped a folding chair in the middle of an empty room, sat me down, and explained that an ENT surgeon (played by Russell Crowe) was trying to drain an abscess found behind his right tonsil, which explained the sore and swollen throat.
Meanwhile, they had identified the infection as anaerobic bacteria and had switched to an appropriate antibiotic IV. However, he was in sepsis. They dodged the question of what my son's survival chances were with 'We'll have to wait and see. He's young and strong so he has that going for him.' I clung to the one piece of good news -- the infection was bacterial, not viral, and therefore in my mind anyway, more treatable.
Later that morning brought good news and bad: The ID specialist had diagnosed N2S with Lemierre's. The breakthrough diagnosis (music by Hans Zimmer) was confirmed when he observed starbursts of red pinpoints on N2S's extremities -- a signature symptom -- indicating ruptured capillaries near the surface. The bad news: An ultrasound showed a blood clot in his jugular, another telltale sign of the disease.
That day and the next were the worst in my entire life: watching his vitals on the monitor hour after hour, making sure he was warm enough/cool enough (love those air-conditioner blankets), whispering words of encouragement that I didn't know whether he even heard. I told him silly things, ranging from calling his new IV cocktail 'the Sparta 300' of meds, to how he has beautiful hands and could probably find work as a hand model (additional dialogue by Carrie Fisher). Once he was stable enough, his ENT surgeon's second attempt to drain the abscess succeeded while the course of antibiotics slowly killed off the bacteria.
We got the Hollywood ending: N2S beat the disease and was discharged after two weeks. His home therapy included IV, injected and oral meds for up to six months afterward. From the time he had his wisdom teeth extracted, he had lost a quarter of his body weight and looked like a skull on sticks (now played by a shorn Shenae Grimes).
I relate all this hoping to increase awareness of Lemierre's Syndrome. It is so rare only about 120 cases have been documented worldwide in the past 100 years -- small wonder the hospital staff were initially stumped.
The disease can manifest itself in different ways and is making a comeback. One case, documented on TLC's 'Mystery Diagnosis,' involved a college freshman undergoing two brain surgeries to remove abscesses (she made a full recovery). Another teen, featured in the September 9, 2008 issue of 'The New York Times'' Sunday magazine, wasn't so lucky.
Since the bacteria responsible for Lemierre's are anaerobic (fusobacterium necrophorum), they need to burrow deep inside tissue to survive (special effects by Pixar Animation Studios). Evidently, the throat offers an ideal environment: warm, wet, dark, thick. It's their toehold to a throathold, spreading and creating havoc throughout the body which if left unchecked will shut down all systems -- permanently.
BUT IT ALWAYS STARTS WITH THE WORST SORE THROAT EVER.
Please humor me. Please insist your doctor test before prescribing antibiotics, especially after conditions or treatment involving teeth, mouth and throat. BOLO for abscesses in such cases. Strep-busting meds won't kill Lemierre's, and by the time you find out, it may be too late. Many of its victims are otherwise healthy young adults.
I cannot imagine anything worse than losing a child. I feel fortunate to live in a region with some of the best medical minds and facilities in the world. But I worry about other promising young adults around the globe (played by the cast of 'Glee') confidently going off to college and dismissing a sore throat with, 'it's just a bad cold, I've been under a lot of stress.'
This is real life and death, not televised fiction.
To all you husbands, wives, parents, aunts, uncles, siblings and orphans: The phrase 'worst sore throat ever' should sound an alarm in your head to seek medical treatment. Please help spread the word about Lemierre's so that it will not silence the ones we love.
For more fascinating information:
Wikipedia, 'Lemierre's Syndrome'
Diagnosis: The Way We Live Now: The Strep Throat That Wasn't. 'The New York Times' Sunday magazine, Sept. 9, 2008
'Mystery Diagnosis: Lemierre's Disease,' TLC Channel (accessible on YouTube)
Ok, this post turned out to be a blend of 'House' and organ recital, so let's just call it a house organ ....
Pass it along, and remember, it's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
Friday, June 3, 2011
Pomp & Circumstance
This is the commencement address I would like to give to your graduating class. You supply the circumstance, I supply the pomp, Ok?
My rates are very reasonable, and you even get this advance copy of my remarks (commemorative autographed versions are also available):
The Only 10 Words of Advice That You Need To Know
In Order To Succeed In The World (By Pat Gasdaska)
Thanks to the administration, faculty, and students of [your school name here] for inviting me to speak to you [today/this evening]. It's a real thrill for me, seeing as how I may never win a Nobel Prize ....
I know you graduates have been tuning out a lot of great advice this [afternoon/evening], but you really need to PAY ATTENTION NOW to mine, because it's the best, and it's only 10 words long -- for you math majors, that's 55 percent shorter than the title of my speech! -- and therefore easy to memorize.
Also there will be an oral quiz at the end.
[optional throat-clearing opportunity here]
The Only 10 Words Of Advice That You Need To Know In Order To Succeed In The World. I call them 'The Only 10.'
First two words: BE TOLERANT. ... Most of you are barely old enough to have walked a mile in your own shoes, let alone someone else's -- unless you are a girl with sisters and that doesn't count because they were probably some fancy stilettos and you only walked a couple hundred feet total in them anyway ....
Ok, the point is that no one is as perfect as YOU, so cut the rest of us some slack. Be tolerant. Don't be judgmental -- unless, of course, you become a judge ....
Next three words: HEED YOUR ELDERS. Now, I'm not saying you should do absolutely everything they tell you. I mean listen to -- not dismiss -- what they have to say. Many of you have parents whose combined life experience approaches or even exceeds 100 years. That's a CENTURY of trial and error, knowledge, and experience! If you're so smart at your age, what does that make them? Ever think of that? You would have if you were their age .... Still if not convinced? Hang around for 30 years and then tell me whether I'm right ....
Also, when following the three words HEED YOUR ELDERS, refer back to the first two, which to review, are BE TOLERANT.
The final five: WRITE YOUR THANK-YOU NOTES. Let's face it, everyone LOVES to be thanked -- even the undeserving. But in your case, if YOU shelled out a couple hundred dollars to send to a graduate, you'd want to know if they received it, right? Also, do you want to stand out as the one who wrote a nice thank-you note, or the one who didn't bother? Finally, if thank-you's aren't important, why does every single speaker either begin or end their remarks with those two little words?
So that's 'The Only 10': Be Tolerant. Heed Your Elders. Write Your Thank-You Notes. Follow 'The Only 10' and you are sure to succeed once you walk out of this [room/tent].
And when you are holding that brass ring in your hand, remember that 'Pat' [gesture to self] is actually a contraction for 'Partial Credit.' So, whether via Twitter, text, Skype, phone, email, U.S. Postal Service, or some other fancy communications gadget that one of you invents, let me -- and everyone else you've ever met in your life -- know how much I inspired you [today/this evening] and how grateful you are.
... And I didn't really mean the part about the quiz, I just wanted everyone to stay awake ....
Congratulations, graduates! Woo hoo! Best of Luck! Great job, parents! Thank you ....
Pass it along, and remember, it's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
My rates are very reasonable, and you even get this advance copy of my remarks (commemorative autographed versions are also available):
The Only 10 Words of Advice That You Need To Know
In Order To Succeed In The World (By Pat Gasdaska)
Thanks to the administration, faculty, and students of [your school name here] for inviting me to speak to you [today/this evening]. It's a real thrill for me, seeing as how I may never win a Nobel Prize ....
I know you graduates have been tuning out a lot of great advice this [afternoon/evening], but you really need to PAY ATTENTION NOW to mine, because it's the best, and it's only 10 words long -- for you math majors, that's 55 percent shorter than the title of my speech! -- and therefore easy to memorize.
Also there will be an oral quiz at the end.
[optional throat-clearing opportunity here]
The Only 10 Words Of Advice That You Need To Know In Order To Succeed In The World. I call them 'The Only 10.'
First two words: BE TOLERANT. ... Most of you are barely old enough to have walked a mile in your own shoes, let alone someone else's -- unless you are a girl with sisters and that doesn't count because they were probably some fancy stilettos and you only walked a couple hundred feet total in them anyway ....
Ok, the point is that no one is as perfect as YOU, so cut the rest of us some slack. Be tolerant. Don't be judgmental -- unless, of course, you become a judge ....
Next three words: HEED YOUR ELDERS. Now, I'm not saying you should do absolutely everything they tell you. I mean listen to -- not dismiss -- what they have to say. Many of you have parents whose combined life experience approaches or even exceeds 100 years. That's a CENTURY of trial and error, knowledge, and experience! If you're so smart at your age, what does that make them? Ever think of that? You would have if you were their age .... Still if not convinced? Hang around for 30 years and then tell me whether I'm right ....
Also, when following the three words HEED YOUR ELDERS, refer back to the first two, which to review, are BE TOLERANT.
The final five: WRITE YOUR THANK-YOU NOTES. Let's face it, everyone LOVES to be thanked -- even the undeserving. But in your case, if YOU shelled out a couple hundred dollars to send to a graduate, you'd want to know if they received it, right? Also, do you want to stand out as the one who wrote a nice thank-you note, or the one who didn't bother? Finally, if thank-you's aren't important, why does every single speaker either begin or end their remarks with those two little words?
So that's 'The Only 10': Be Tolerant. Heed Your Elders. Write Your Thank-You Notes. Follow 'The Only 10' and you are sure to succeed once you walk out of this [room/tent].
And when you are holding that brass ring in your hand, remember that 'Pat' [gesture to self] is actually a contraction for 'Partial Credit.' So, whether via Twitter, text, Skype, phone, email, U.S. Postal Service, or some other fancy communications gadget that one of you invents, let me -- and everyone else you've ever met in your life -- know how much I inspired you [today/this evening] and how grateful you are.
... And I didn't really mean the part about the quiz, I just wanted everyone to stay awake ....
Congratulations, graduates! Woo hoo! Best of Luck! Great job, parents! Thank you ....
Pass it along, and remember, it's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
Top 10 List of Things Sarah Palin Could Do Instead of Run for President
I decided it was time to whip up a Top 10 list, which I've edited down to the following ....
Ready ... aim ... fire .....
TOP 10 LIST OF THINGS SARAH PALIN COULD DO INSTEAD OF RUN FOR PRESIDENT
10. Write a children's book titled 'Hungry, Hungry Mama Grizzly,' with illustrations by Eric Carle. Or Robert Crumb.
9. Earn another bachelor's degree, this time MAJORING in Political Science -- and with a minor in Social Studies.
8. Take care of Trig.
7. Take Tripp on a trip to Tripoli no that might not work but it's cool to say fast three times in a row so it's staying on the list ....
6. Be a stage mother grizzly to Bristol.
5. Undergo psychoanalysis.
4. Accompany daughters Bristol, Willow and Piper on an extended college tour of South America -- or Tibet -- or Antarctica.
3. Pass a lie detector test (without studying).
2. Appear as a contestant on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'
AND THE NUMBER 1 THING SARAH COULD DO:
(Cue the drum roll) ......
1. Run for President ... of the local PTA. Hey, she might even win again; I might even vote for her ....
Pass it along, and remember, it's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
Ready ... aim ... fire .....
TOP 10 LIST OF THINGS SARAH PALIN COULD DO INSTEAD OF RUN FOR PRESIDENT
10. Write a children's book titled 'Hungry, Hungry Mama Grizzly,' with illustrations by Eric Carle. Or Robert Crumb.
9. Earn another bachelor's degree, this time MAJORING in Political Science -- and with a minor in Social Studies.
8. Take care of Trig.
7. Take Tripp on a trip to Tripoli no that might not work but it's cool to say fast three times in a row so it's staying on the list ....
6. Be a stage mother grizzly to Bristol.
5. Undergo psychoanalysis.
4. Accompany daughters Bristol, Willow and Piper on an extended college tour of South America -- or Tibet -- or Antarctica.
3. Pass a lie detector test (without studying).
2. Appear as a contestant on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'
AND THE NUMBER 1 THING SARAH COULD DO:
(Cue the drum roll) ......
1. Run for President ... of the local PTA. Hey, she might even win again; I might even vote for her ....
Pass it along, and remember, it's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
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