... Ah, the things people do when they're young and in love ...
... like exchanging a perfectly respectable, suitable, serviceable, two-syllable, Anglo-sounding name (in fact, it's German) for an unfamiliar, unspellable, unpronounceable surname like Gasdaska.
... Rhymes with Alaska and also Nebraska, but if I should askya what my name is -- you don't have a clue ....
Did I think this through?
'I now mispronounce you husband and wife.' Did I hear that right?
Did I foresee the endless hours on the phone as I struggle to communicate that most basic, most personal of all units of identification -- my name?
'That's G - A - S-as-in-Sam, D-as-in-David - A - S-as-in-Sam - K - A.'
Now I'm aware the military has some official version of 'A-as-in-Alice,' but who has time to learn a new alphabet? I can barely manage the one I use already.
Sometimes I am perversely tempted to jerk around the rep on the other end of the phone line:
'That's G - A - S-as-in-savor, D-as-in-dairy -A - S-as-in-savor - K - A.'
... but that would be counterproductive:
-- 'Thank you for your order, Mrs. Gafbafka.'
... so I guess it could be worse. Gafbafka looks like an open invitation to the CIA to read my mail. I certainly wouldn't want that crew to know how much I spend at IHop ....
Voice recognition software? Fuggedabodit. What emerges as my name brings to mind Marcellus, the Roman charioteer in 'Ben Hur,' after he was trampled by a team of horses .....
... even though pronouncing 'Gasdaska' is deceptively simple once you know that the first 's' is pronounced like a 'z.' Everything else is phonetic, spoken as it is spelled, accent on the second syllable: Gaz-DAS-ka.
Many people simply skip over that first 's' as though it were silent. Why is that? Is there some rule about a silent 's' that I don't know about? Is this some sort of conspiracy? ... Or maybe folks just don't know how to deal with that first 's,' so they ignore it hoping it will go away ....
Carl Yastrzemski, Zbigniew Brzezinski ... you know what I'm talking about.
... After 31 years, I should be accustomed to it, right?
I had cards printed up once so I wouldn't have to spell my name in public. But I felt a bit weird giving them out; I probably have 996 left, and the phone number is ancient ....
... Yet I wouldn't dream of changing a family name, which in Husband's case bespeaks of a proud tradition in the old country of Slovakia. According to legend, his grandfather made a daring journey at age 16 across the Slovak border, eventually escaping to the U.S. so as to avoid being an unwilling participant in the dreams and ambitions of the Austrian empire.
Ok, he was a draft dodger ....
(... Although personally, I never believed that story. I am convinced Gramps was encouraged by his mother to seek his fortune in America because he was really stubborn and never picked up after himself around the house ....)
Someone once suggested using an anagram of our name. My favorite is Aaassdkg. Look, I'd get to be first a lot -- but we're still dealing with the same pesky consonants.
Someone else advised converting it into its English translation, which according to Husband, is 'village rocket scientist.'
'That's V-as-in-very ....'
Pass it along and remember, it's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Give the Guy a Break!
Ok, so maybe not everyone is a fan of President Obama, but I feel someone's gotta come to his defense.
The guy's been in office little more than two years, and what a mountain of (let's just say) issues he's had to tackle!
He inherits a global financial crisis that plunged the country into its worst economic recession ever, with effects that kept on rippling:
A banking crisis that threatened to bankrupt the middle class
Housing foreclosures at a never-seen-before high
Surge in unemployment.
Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan
The largest oil spill in history
Spreading rebellions in the Arab world
Catastrophic natural disasters in Haiti and Japan.
... Have I overlooked anything?
... Meanwhile, he has to deal with the 9/11 defendants at Gitmo, make good on a campaign promise of universal health care, overhaul immigration policy, parry with China, and somehow formulate an energy policy that will keep taxpayers happy.
All of the above is in addition to the usual political cycle of budgets, foreign visits (gotta go accept that Nobel Peace Prize), appointing Supreme Court justices, campaigning, fundraisers, speeches after shooting massacres ....
Did I mention a re-election campaign?
Global warming?
All in two years!
He's been insulted on live Tv by a member of Congress, and needed stitches on his mouth after being elbowed during a basketball game with staff (flagrant foul, IMO).
Furthermore, no other president has had to deal with lingering questions regarding his citizenship, and whether or not he is really a Christian.
Like, give the guy a break!
Whether or not you're a supporter of President Obama, you gotta admit his term so far has been dealing with some serious events and problems. The poor guy's more beleaguered than a youth athletic association .... Yet he's been undeniably productive as chief executive of a country with 310 million inhabitants. Plus, the guy has a family with young daughters and a dog .... I manage a household of five and can barely drag myself to the grocery store. I don't know how he accomplishes all he does, and I gotta give him a lotta credit for working so hard and so long. I doubt he gets to spend anywhere near as much time on Facebook as I do.
It's too late for this year, but starting in 2012 I'd like to see Presidents' Day transformed into Give The President A Break Day. It could be a moratorium on criticizing whoever's the current president. Just for a day. One day. Twenty-four hours. Rush Limbaugh and Bill O 'Reilly could have music if they couldn't trust themselves on the air, like the national anthem sung by Christina Aguilera .... Maybe FLOTUS can send the president an edible arrangement, and everyone in the room gets to say something nice about him. I guarantee he will return to solving the Crisis of the Month with a much lighter heart.
Give The President A Break Day. Now, I could have managed that with George W. Bush for a day. One day. Twenty-four hours. So you can too, Glenn, Sarah, Michele, Donald, Mitt, Mike, John and Newt, et al. You have 10 months to plan what you are NOT going to say about President Obama next February 20.
So get on it!
... And also on that day I think it would be really great if the president's Secret Service team would all dress like gangsta types or hip hop posses. ... Or that could be for Halloween; it really doesn't matter when it is, but it'd be wicked cool ....
Pass it along, and remember, It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)
The guy's been in office little more than two years, and what a mountain of (let's just say) issues he's had to tackle!
He inherits a global financial crisis that plunged the country into its worst economic recession ever, with effects that kept on rippling:
A banking crisis that threatened to bankrupt the middle class
Housing foreclosures at a never-seen-before high
Surge in unemployment.
Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan
The largest oil spill in history
Spreading rebellions in the Arab world
Catastrophic natural disasters in Haiti and Japan.
... Have I overlooked anything?
... Meanwhile, he has to deal with the 9/11 defendants at Gitmo, make good on a campaign promise of universal health care, overhaul immigration policy, parry with China, and somehow formulate an energy policy that will keep taxpayers happy.
All of the above is in addition to the usual political cycle of budgets, foreign visits (gotta go accept that Nobel Peace Prize), appointing Supreme Court justices, campaigning, fundraisers, speeches after shooting massacres ....
Did I mention a re-election campaign?
Global warming?
All in two years!
He's been insulted on live Tv by a member of Congress, and needed stitches on his mouth after being elbowed during a basketball game with staff (flagrant foul, IMO).
Furthermore, no other president has had to deal with lingering questions regarding his citizenship, and whether or not he is really a Christian.
Like, give the guy a break!
Whether or not you're a supporter of President Obama, you gotta admit his term so far has been dealing with some serious events and problems. The poor guy's more beleaguered than a youth athletic association .... Yet he's been undeniably productive as chief executive of a country with 310 million inhabitants. Plus, the guy has a family with young daughters and a dog .... I manage a household of five and can barely drag myself to the grocery store. I don't know how he accomplishes all he does, and I gotta give him a lotta credit for working so hard and so long. I doubt he gets to spend anywhere near as much time on Facebook as I do.
It's too late for this year, but starting in 2012 I'd like to see Presidents' Day transformed into Give The President A Break Day. It could be a moratorium on criticizing whoever's the current president. Just for a day. One day. Twenty-four hours. Rush Limbaugh and Bill O 'Reilly could have music if they couldn't trust themselves on the air, like the national anthem sung by Christina Aguilera .... Maybe FLOTUS can send the president an edible arrangement, and everyone in the room gets to say something nice about him. I guarantee he will return to solving the Crisis of the Month with a much lighter heart.
Give The President A Break Day. Now, I could have managed that with George W. Bush for a day. One day. Twenty-four hours. So you can too, Glenn, Sarah, Michele, Donald, Mitt, Mike, John and Newt, et al. You have 10 months to plan what you are NOT going to say about President Obama next February 20.
So get on it!
... And also on that day I think it would be really great if the president's Secret Service team would all dress like gangsta types or hip hop posses. ... Or that could be for Halloween; it really doesn't matter when it is, but it'd be wicked cool ....
Pass it along, and remember, It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
You May Be Living with a Rocket Scientist IF ...
It has already been established that Husband can call himself a rocket scientist by virtue of his pending patent for a bismuth thruster (don't ask). But I suspect one needn't be a card-carrying member of the American Institute for Astronauts and Aeronautics in order to be included in the rocket scientist state of mind.
In case you are not sure whether you are crazy or just living with a rocket scientist, I've compiled some clues.
Ready for lift-off? 3 ... 2 ... 1 ....
YOU MAY BE LIVING WITH A ROCKET SCIENTIST IF:
He takes the day off and then spends it lashed to his work computer.
Your house has 1 outdoor thermometer, 2 indoor/outdoor digital thermometers (one with a humidity gauge), 2 mobile ambient temperature gauges, 2 wind gauges, and 3 weather apps on each computer.
Your overnight guests need training in order to turn your light switches on and off.
ALL of your Tv's are wired to auxiliary speakers.
Not surprisingly, reports indicate guests are afraid to touch anything in your house for fear of ruining a science experiment.
You say things like: 'Honey, do you want more iced tea? ... ... ... This offer expires in 10 seconds ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ....'
Reading material in the bathroom consists of 'Sky and Telescope' and 'Technology Review.'
His screensaver crunches telemetry for SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence). This can be tricky if your kids are dating: 'Daddy, did you know my new boyfriend's parents search for space aliens on their computer?' ... Yessssir, take a number to marry into this family! ... and make that a PRIME number ....
The amount of spare cable, wiring and electrical cording in your basement, if wound together, would make a ball with a six-foot diameter.
You happen to know the above fact ....
And of course, if your pillow talk includes key words such as space probe, Sally Ride, thrust, docking -- and if afterwards you ask how was it and the answer is 'nominal,' then ...
... YOU MAY BE LIVING WITH A ROCKET SCIENTIST.
(Look, it turns out he was actually saying 'PHE-nominal.' Whew!)
This list gets updated as life goes on. Love to hear others' contributions ....
Pass it along and remember, It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
In case you are not sure whether you are crazy or just living with a rocket scientist, I've compiled some clues.
Ready for lift-off? 3 ... 2 ... 1 ....
YOU MAY BE LIVING WITH A ROCKET SCIENTIST IF:
He takes the day off and then spends it lashed to his work computer.
Your house has 1 outdoor thermometer, 2 indoor/outdoor digital thermometers (one with a humidity gauge), 2 mobile ambient temperature gauges, 2 wind gauges, and 3 weather apps on each computer.
Your overnight guests need training in order to turn your light switches on and off.
ALL of your Tv's are wired to auxiliary speakers.
Not surprisingly, reports indicate guests are afraid to touch anything in your house for fear of ruining a science experiment.
You say things like: 'Honey, do you want more iced tea? ... ... ... This offer expires in 10 seconds ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ....'
Reading material in the bathroom consists of 'Sky and Telescope' and 'Technology Review.'
His screensaver crunches telemetry for SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence). This can be tricky if your kids are dating: 'Daddy, did you know my new boyfriend's parents search for space aliens on their computer?' ... Yessssir, take a number to marry into this family! ... and make that a PRIME number ....
The amount of spare cable, wiring and electrical cording in your basement, if wound together, would make a ball with a six-foot diameter.
You happen to know the above fact ....
And of course, if your pillow talk includes key words such as space probe, Sally Ride, thrust, docking -- and if afterwards you ask how was it and the answer is 'nominal,' then ...
... YOU MAY BE LIVING WITH A ROCKET SCIENTIST.
(Look, it turns out he was actually saying 'PHE-nominal.' Whew!)
This list gets updated as life goes on. Love to hear others' contributions ....
Pass it along and remember, It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)(c)
If Joe Biden doesn't run ....
.... The President recently launched his re-election campaign, but not a word got down to me regarding his running mate. Yet haven't rumors been swirling for some time now about Joe Biden bowing out? ... Rumors that I haven't started?
Big assumption, but let's go with it, briefly, indulgently .... IF Biden doesn't run, it will be the perfect moment in history to elect a woman vice president.
Yes, we can ensure this by nominating women VP candidates from BOTH parties. It's so EASY! There are plenty of candidates without a Y chromosome who are no less incapable than those who have one:
On the GOP side, we're gonna skip right over the crazies and point to Sens. Olympia Snow and Susan M. Collins, both from Maine; and ex-EPA head and former NJ governor Christie Whitman. And hey, there must be some community organizers out there somewhere who may be viable ....
On the Democrat side, there are plenty of stand-bys with experience: Senators Mikulski (Md.), Sen. Marie Cantwell (WA), plus the California contingent of Boxer and Feinstein (how do you like that, Mr. President? Wouldn't either of those women wrap up California for you with a big bow????). How about Sen. Jeanne Shaheen of NH? Circulate her name, get a big boost to start the primary season. And of course there's always Hillary .....
This is just a short, stream-of-consciousness, off-the-top-of-my-head list. Do these women have skeletons hiding behind their boxes of Kate Spade wedges? Don't know, but there's gotta be quality here. I take the job of vice president very seriously. Anything can happen, folks, and I would never want someone who is unqualified (stupid) to get the VP job. In fact, since studies have shown that women make better managers than men, maybe our next VP can teach her boss a few things ....
Having men on board this cause would help, but I doubt we need 'em. According to data released by Rutgers University, the number of female voters equaled or exceeded that of men in most of the recent presidential elections. (Look up the details yourself.)
... So to all you 2012 convention delegates out there, especially those with breasts and vaginas (can I say that?), I challenge you to be a part of Making History! Unite over party lines for the Great Cause! Use those high heels to take a stand!
No Penises for VP!
XX for VP!
VP = Vagina Power!
And my personal favorite (for the tech vote),
2X = VP
('She knows algebra, she can't be that bad ....')
Ok, so the slogans need a little work ....
... and remember, it's all (c)opyrighted (c)2011
Big assumption, but let's go with it, briefly, indulgently .... IF Biden doesn't run, it will be the perfect moment in history to elect a woman vice president.
Yes, we can ensure this by nominating women VP candidates from BOTH parties. It's so EASY! There are plenty of candidates without a Y chromosome who are no less incapable than those who have one:
On the GOP side, we're gonna skip right over the crazies and point to Sens. Olympia Snow and Susan M. Collins, both from Maine; and ex-EPA head and former NJ governor Christie Whitman. And hey, there must be some community organizers out there somewhere who may be viable ....
On the Democrat side, there are plenty of stand-bys with experience: Senators Mikulski (Md.), Sen. Marie Cantwell (WA), plus the California contingent of Boxer and Feinstein (how do you like that, Mr. President? Wouldn't either of those women wrap up California for you with a big bow????). How about Sen. Jeanne Shaheen of NH? Circulate her name, get a big boost to start the primary season. And of course there's always Hillary .....
This is just a short, stream-of-consciousness, off-the-top-of-my-head list. Do these women have skeletons hiding behind their boxes of Kate Spade wedges? Don't know, but there's gotta be quality here. I take the job of vice president very seriously. Anything can happen, folks, and I would never want someone who is unqualified (stupid) to get the VP job. In fact, since studies have shown that women make better managers than men, maybe our next VP can teach her boss a few things ....
Having men on board this cause would help, but I doubt we need 'em. According to data released by Rutgers University, the number of female voters equaled or exceeded that of men in most of the recent presidential elections. (Look up the details yourself.)
... So to all you 2012 convention delegates out there, especially those with breasts and vaginas (can I say that?), I challenge you to be a part of Making History! Unite over party lines for the Great Cause! Use those high heels to take a stand!
No Penises for VP!
XX for VP!
VP = Vagina Power!
And my personal favorite (for the tech vote),
2X = VP
('She knows algebra, she can't be that bad ....')
Ok, so the slogans need a little work ....
... and remember, it's all (c)opyrighted (c)2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The Great Recession
... late 2007, banker husband and wife are going Christmas shopping. Husband looks at wife and says, 'Take off those ridiculous department store jeans. Go upstairs and put on those fancy designer jeans I got you from New York.'
... late 2008, same husband and wife are going Christmas shopping. Husband looks at wife and says, 'Take off those fancy Wal-Mart jeans. Go upstairs and put on those jeans I got you from the Salvation Army.'
... late 2009, the husband and wife are going Christmas shopping. Husband looks at wife and says, 'Take off those fancy Salvation Army jeans. Go upstairs and put on those jeans I got you from the Salvation Army dumpster.'
... late 2010, the husband and wife are going Christmas shopping. Husband looks at wife and says, 'Take off those fancy Salvation Army dumpster jeans. Go upstairs and put on those jeans I got you from that dead homeless guy.'
... late 2011, the husband and wife are going Christmas shopping. Husband looks at wife and says, 'Take off those ridiculous department store jeans. Go upstairs and put on those fancy new designer jeans I got you from New York.'
It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)
... late 2008, same husband and wife are going Christmas shopping. Husband looks at wife and says, 'Take off those fancy Wal-Mart jeans. Go upstairs and put on those jeans I got you from the Salvation Army.'
... late 2009, the husband and wife are going Christmas shopping. Husband looks at wife and says, 'Take off those fancy Salvation Army jeans. Go upstairs and put on those jeans I got you from the Salvation Army dumpster.'
... late 2010, the husband and wife are going Christmas shopping. Husband looks at wife and says, 'Take off those fancy Salvation Army dumpster jeans. Go upstairs and put on those jeans I got you from that dead homeless guy.'
... late 2011, the husband and wife are going Christmas shopping. Husband looks at wife and says, 'Take off those ridiculous department store jeans. Go upstairs and put on those fancy new designer jeans I got you from New York.'
It's all (c)opyrighted(c)2011(c)
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